Just a Friend

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“O’ baby you, you got what I need…but you say he’s just a friend”

Just a Friend – Biz-Markie

 

I opened an e-mail earlier today from one of my followers asking if I would write a blog to help him out with a situation that he was having with his girlfriend. 

I agreed.  I hope my response helps you shed some light on a very tough situation. 

CamronZoe,

“My best friend is a girl I have known for almost seven years.  We are former co-workers, and she now lives in a nearby state with her boyfriend.  We’re both busy with work and other relationships and don’t speak very often, maybe once every other week.  Mostly we text and send e-mails sporadically to keep in touch.  Our friendship is strictly platonic, but my girlfriend of almost three years has suddenly become irrational and insecure, saying that she is uncomfortable with me have a female best friend, and she has asked me to end that relationship.  I cherish my relationship and my friendship and can’t imagine giving up either.  What do I do?” – Follower

Despite the opinion of other relationship experts, I’m of the opinion that yes, men and women actually can be friends. I’ve had a male “best” friend, “Tariq,” since 1998 and counting. We have a similar dynamic to the one you describe, in that our relationship is strictly platonic; he lives in my hometown (G-Ville.), and like you, we are both in relationships (he’s married); and although we don’t speak to or see each other often, I cherish his friendship and couldn’t imagine not having him around.

So I completely understand your dilemma — and yes, it can likely be solved in a way that allows you to keep your romantic relationship with your girlfriend and your platonic relationship with your “bestie” — but it won’t happen if you dismiss your girlfriend’s real concerns as “irrational.”

I keep putting “best” in quotes for a reason. As much as I do believe that men and women can be friends, I’m also of the belief that your significant other — especially your spouse or a partner of multiple years — should be your best friend. If you’re heterosexual and closer to a member of the opposite sex than you are to your spouse, it raises the question, “Why aren’t you with that person instead?”

It’s interesting that your girlfriend has become insecure about your relationship after three years. Unless she just found out about this long-standing friendship –which would give her reason to be “uncomfortable” — she’s been OK with it all this time.

A girl who believes that “her” man should have only male friends would usually reveal that while dating or very early on in the relationship. This new conflict leads me to believe that there’s been a recent occurrence that has made your girlfriend ill at ease.

There have been a few times when a guy I’ve been in a relationship with has been “uncomfortable” with me having a close male friend. Those situations have mostly happened because I put my best friend before my relationship. For instance, I received exciting news once; called my then-boyfriend, who didn’t answer; then called Tariq and shared the details. When downloading to my boyfriend, I made the mistake of saying, “Well, Tariq thought … “

In another instance, my boyfriend and I were dealing with an ongoing issue in our relationship and I spoke with Tariq about it. He usually takes my side, but on this issue he told me I was dead wrong. When my boyfriend discovered that my change of heart had come because Tariq said so, he said he was “uncomfortable” that another man’s outlook held more weight than his own.

At the time I thought that my clearly threatened boyfriend was being irrational, but really, he was responding to the perception that another person — especially a man — outside the relationship seemed to have more clout or influence than he did. It made him feel less important in the relationship. And that’s a very valid concern.

Perhaps you’ve given your own version of “Well, Tariq said … ” one too many times and your girlfriend has had enough of it — hence his request that you give up this particular friendship. Instead or axing your friendship, which you clearly don’t want to do, discuss with your girlfriend about what the underlying problem is here. It may be that you’re giving your friend more “weight” than your woman.

Since your communication with your friend is already pretty minimal, you’ll need to make some adjustments to make your girlfriend feel more secure. That could include giving her the first heads-up about new information and communicating more with your woman to solve any issues in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a trusted friend about issues you’re having, but your girlfriend doesn’t need to hear, “Well, so-and-so said … ,” even if the person you consulted was another man.

In the unfortunate case that your friendship has habitually line-stepped on your woman’s ego, your girlfriend may be unwilling to rethink her stance regarding your female friend. You will then have to make a tough decision about who matters more to you. After three years in a relationship with your partner, choosing her over your friend should be the obvious answer. And if it isn’t, you will need to re-explore what your real feelings are for your female friend.

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7 responses to “Just a Friend

  1. perhaps your female bestie should be your woman because you may well be too much for one woman but not enough for two stop playing games and make a choice because no one likes to be played if you like them both then say you are single and have what ever relationships with women you like

  2. Why can’t you both be platonic friends with the bestie? And invite his girlfriend over to play cards, the movies, etc. Just keep it platonic.

  3. “platonic friends with the bestie” just want work with any sane man cause in his mind he got to be “the only man” besides her brother, father or son etc. we are not made that way, we just can’t be friends with any man who got sway with our women remember we are men and know how men think that’s why in this case it’s got to be him or me, if it’s him then I know that I ain’t the one and lick my wounds and move on!

  4. An ex of mine once told me that women can’t have male friends. If so, they are usually in two categories. (1) Either have slept together or (2) the male wants to sleep with the female. After I had done some thinking, I find this statement to be somewhat true. Think about it. Maybe or maybe not for you!! We have to remember that our men, not all, but most of them are insecure. The question is, can we overlook this insecurity? Again, as the prior writer stated, this is just a boyfriend. When it’s a husband/wife situation, you have to look at just a little closer….

  5. Here’s a good way to test that: If there was an opportunity to sleep with each other, was it taken?

    This woman has been dating her boyfriend for 3 years. She’s known her best friend for 7 1/2. Her and the best friend don’t seem to have ever slept with each other. But if the best friend wanted to sleep with her, he could have 3 years ago. And now, he’s in another state, WITH a girlfriend, and he’s STILL keeping in contact with this woman.

    That looks like that cancels out what your ex said.

  6. I have to completely disagree with what CamronZoe said when if it comes down to the boyfriend of 3 years and her bestie, that the obvious answer should be the boyfriend. BS. If boyfriend wanted to take a stance on making me choose someone I’ve known for years over him, then boyfriend would lose and here’s why. Boyfriends and husbands can come and go but your family and friends (and your friends are your family too whether they’re male or female) will still be there. I would also have to question why my boyfriend would back me into a corner like that. Because if he takes that stance on your male best friend now, then who’s next? That smells of control issues and I will not be controlled by someone who should trust and love me. And as an adult, I already have a father, your husband nor your boyfriend should even think about stepping into those shoes and I can handle my friends and family. My husband has never thought once about my relationships with my three male best friends. I’ve known these men for a long time and two of them I grew up with. And if there was a prior romantic relationship I would have told him from the beginning. Yes there are people in my life that my husband doesn’t particularly care for and vice versa, so we try to minimize the contact but we do not issue ultimatums. That wouldn’t work for either of us. We’re mature people and we act as such.

  7. It’s either him or me if he her man friend got more sway than me then I ain’t the one, that’s why I need to know it so I can plan my next move, I might hang around for sex but you can best believe it won’t be long before I have me another women, the sooner the better!

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