Lost in Thought

I have an urge to write the way some people, I imagine, have an urge to get high. When I have the need to and don’t do it, my thoughts get all jumbled and backlogged and I can’t think about much else. I’ll start typing parts out of choronological order on my iPad, or making an outline on my computer at work. I’d just tell someone, but telling them to a friend just isn’t the same. There’s something to be said for the act of typing, even if it’s just a long email to Kewon. (He gets a lot of unedited, error-filled emails about stuff I have to get “on paper.”) This doesn’t happen too often since I make time each day to write. But I wondered what happens to people who have the same urge, and don’t write or don’t have the time. What do they do when they need to get it all out?

I woke up in the middle of a weeknight from a bad dream. I was up from 2-6AM afterward. I was scared, totally out of sorts. I could describe further, but I won’t today. After some much needed sleep before work, this was the first message I saw when I woke up in the morning exhausted.

As you know by my erratic posting sometimes, I let the blog slide when I’m caught up. Sometimes I debate quitting it. CamronZoe can be time consuming and a responsibility that I can’t always afford to have with my demanding work schedule. I get a fair amount of e-mails and texts when I miss more than a day and frankly, it can be a lot of pressure to come up with something to write daily. There are times when I think all the good stories I have to tell have been told. Other times, I’ve got something to talk about, but the words aren’t coming or I want to tell it, but feel like I can’t. It’s tough to be judged. To write about fuck ups in the past, well, I learned and grew. But current fuck ups? It’s hard to have thousands of people reading (even if I don’t know most of them) and thinking I’m an idiot. It’s not just the story you judge or comment on, it’s my life, it’s me.

Always having “what am I going to write about?” hanging over my head can be daunting. I don’t want to not meet expectations by not producing anything or worse, doing something sub par that I struggled to get out and then you think it sucks. I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit. (Cue Erykah.) So to tell my stories and have someone find sustenance in it…. It amazes me. It gives me a purpose when I’m not always sure there is one. Words are powerful as I know from writing here almost every weekday and I’ve bruised a few feelings, sometimes my own. Thank you for telling me that they have an impact on you, even if you’re reading for the drama or even if you’re taking something deeper away. Your words made a bad morning, brighter. I keep the email that alerted me of your comment in my phone.

“You make me want to burn my notebook.”—MistyBlue

She (assuming, since most of the readers are) told me where the line was from, but she didn’t have to. love jones is one of my favorite films. And I remember the scene vividly when Nina said it. It was the first date and she was talking about Sonia Sanchez. I’ve never been a big Sanchez fan, or a big poetry fan. (Ace is though. She extols Sanchez’s brilliance.) So I know she’s great and I respect anything that passionately moves people.

Writing has always come easy to me. Most (but not all) posts just pour out along with the ways to set the story up and the metaphors that come in them that make what I write so called witty and funny. I get an idea, I punch it out on my IPad during my morning duty at work. Because it usually comes so easy, I question sometimes if it’s good. I mean the good stuff is supposed to take hard work, right? Tons of revisions, and a few days to think on it and edit properly? Some stuff I’ve put my heart into and it gets a blah response Other things I bang out in an hour and it gets 30 comments. Go figure. As long as you keep reading (an indication that it’s good to you), then I’ll keep writing. Misty Blue, I’m honored that you would evoke those words to me. I needed that. Thank you.

Texhibitionist spent a part of her Saturday night reading CamronZoe. With all the options of what to do for a young woman (again assuming) on a Saturday night, I’m humbled and honored that you spent time here. I don’t always think what I do here is that good. I read some other people’s stuff (like Terry McMillian) and sometimes think “why try?” She makes me want to burn my notebook. I remember reading Waiting to Exhale in one sitting when I was a kid.

My Mom had bought the book home, and I saw it on the counter. One Saturday afternoon I was bored and picked it up, laid on the couch and started reading. I laid on the living room couch consuming McMillian’s words the entire day until I was done. (In retrospect, I have to wonder why my Mom let me read that. It’s totally inappropriate for a kid.) In my recollection, it took about 10 hours. If Texhibitionist read for the time her comments were clocked, it was 40 or so minutes she spent with my story and my words. You will never know how much that meant to me, especially tonight.

Thank You.


12 responses to “Lost in Thought

  1. Hmmm,

    I’m totally with you Cam. You know I just followed in your footsteps with the whole blog thing, but I definitely see the “pressure” of your own site as opposed to when we were both on MySpace and it was just whenever you felt and for “fun.”

    I think that’s the key, having “fun.” If this is our passion it has to be fun. Yeah, we do the same thing for work all day but that isn’t always fun, THIS should be because we CHOSE to do it and was not assigned to us as a mindless task. That’s how I look at it, because I had stopped blogging for a bit and “retired” but that passion came back for me to write what I want, how I want, without an editor, word count or due date, just writing because I want to and have things I have to express. So I make and find the time to do it constantly.

    The critics are just part of the process when you have a public blog, we just have to have a tough skin and push through it. Everyone has an opinion and they don’t always align with ours. Such is life. Write what you want, when you want, not just for the comments or feedback. People came here (and continue to) to read where you are mentally (good or bad) at any given time and once you step away from that you step away from what attracted people here in the first place.

    Just remember: If you post it, they will come. If you don’t post it, they’ll probably still come until you finally do post…

    —NWSO aka 30 in 30

  2. I just wanted to let you know that I hope you continue to write because I love reading your blog. I can relate to your words and to you as if we knew each other personally. I, too, am having issues with close friends and have had to distance myself-in my mind I know why I had to but to express it to them is a little more difficult. My mom passed away from cancer a few years ago and I had a nightmare about her last night. When you said you had a nightmare the other night, I thought well at least I’m not the only one dealing with sleepless nights. It’s very comforting to know that others are dealing with similar issues and that’s why I hope you continue to keep writing because I will continue to read. “You make me want to burn my notebook” too.

  3. Cam, I had no idea you didn’t know who I was, but I know you know TONS of people. We hung out one day with DonQ and I on a weekend and you introduced me to Habana Outpost. We later went to a party hosted in party by DJ CEO (aka Jarrell).

    Anywho, as a fellow writer, I know EXACTLY how you feel. The pressure to write something as witty and brilliant as the last thing you wrote can be like a black cloud (which may explain why I haven’t been able to keep up my own blog but would rather read yours!). At any rate, I’m glad my notebook comment helped to lift your mood, but TRUST me when I say, your work is the bomb, even on a so-called “off day.” I haven’t burned my notebook yet, after reading your blog, I’ve come damn close sometimes!Just keep putting the pen to paper (or the fingertips to the CamPad) and we’ll keep reading.

  4. I know I’m late (I’ve been catching up to your blogs all evening), but I must say that this blog hit me like a ton of bricks.

    I’ve recently been blogging on blogger, but spent years blogging on myspace, racking up tons of comments on the blogs that took a few minutes with half the effort, while a few of the the ones I poured my heart into were met with a lukewarm reception in comments amount of responses. That made me feel a lot of pressure and caused me to step back a time or two and question my skills or concentrate on my audience, instead of why I initially began blogging.

    Another thing that hit me: your nod to Terry McMillan and “Waiting to Exhale”. I’m a teeny bit younger than you and my mother tried to hide the book from me, but I cleverly found a way to somehow read it over a few weekends. I then convinced my dad to buy “Disappearing Acts” for me. He was just happy his baby girl loved to read and definitely didnt understand why Mom’s was upset that he’d bought a 12 year old, a book with such adult themes.

    I said all of that to say, Terry’s talent is why I write. I totally understand the “burn my notebook” description in regards to her.

    Oh…and I love your writing as well. Dont stop, girl! Please dont. lol 🙂

  5. i suck at “surfing” the web and all i want to do is read something that satiates my soul.

    i’ve been hooked on you for about the last week, reading about 10 entries per sitting. i love you in the way that, i think, people love carrie on satc. she/you’ve got style and charisma, but you’re open with your personal life in a way that everyone can relate to but don’t necessarily have the words/eloquence that you do. your life is on track, you’re giving it all you got and you’ve got jokes to keep things rolling.

    i’m eternally grateful to have found you.

  6. Camron, you are a wonderful writer and I start my day off reading your blog. I sent you an email a few months ago (you and I had a similiar situation) and I was so honored that you took the time out of your busy schedule to respond to me. You are truly an inspiration to me and you are wise beyond your years and I really admire that. A true phenomenal woman. Keep writing you never how many lives you are touching. You have definitely impacted my life.

  7. I’m here everyday, and hardly comment, but today, I’m led to speak on your words. Yeah. I too go through periods where I feel pressured to keep an audience, thinking that it’s all about how many comments I get. (I know you don’t base the success of your stories on the number of comments, but I’m sure you get what I’m saying.) But when I think that way, I start to lose my mind and writing loses it’s appeal. CamronZoe, aren’t we allowed to write pieces that are extraordinary AS WELL AS pieces that suck? Isn’t writing about freedom? Who is your blog for? Yourself or others? I know you want to please your readers, but I wouldn’t worry too much about us because we’ll always be here. (But I thank you for being concerned about us!) Whether you post an amazing story or not, you have a natural ability to write that leaves people breathless. Your talent will speak and people will be back.

    With that said, reading your blog has given me an overwhelming amount of ideas to speak on. My writing has even gotten better! THANK YOU! Keep reading other people’s work and I’m sure you’ll find topics galore to explore. =)

    Be human chile! Nothing has to be perfect!

  8. *Baffled*..

    Geez. I’m like… honored.

    I’ve been stopping by. You motivate me in ways you probably couldn’t realize. I’m surprised too.

    *Shakes head*.. lol. Truly wasn’t expecting that. Thank you.

    I haven’t read through everything, perhaps one day I will. Your life is real life, it’s your talent that makes it art. Have a blessed night/morning, CamronZoe, and never stop writing.

  9. You just don’t know how much you inspire!!! When my crackberry was (and still is) down, your blog was the only one that I HAD to read!!!! Love it! (Just couldn’t comment b/c of this phone!) Please keep it going!

  10. I’ve read a few of your posts and I must say you have a way of displaying your thoughts and emotions into.words. I shall continue to read more! Since I’m back on my reading ish….!

  11. CamronZoe,

    Words can not express how your words enlighten me into the mind of you. It’s beautiful the way you think and express your emotions. It’s even more beautiful to see the concern and expression in your eyes. The passion that you have for how you feel can be a hard pill to swallow at times; but I know personally that your passion comes from a very good place, and that makes it all the while!

    Keep doing what makes you happy.

    Mr. Conversation

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