Crashing and Burning Again and Again……

So I am making the decision to stop writing about my personal, recent experiences with dating, relationships and sex. And here’s why: when The John Fiasco happened.. Eh, I fell apart for a second. And well, there are people reading who I didn’t want to know my inner most thoughts on the matter, John included.

It’s been a few weeks now since it all fell down (long story. I’ll tell it someday) Kewon was in my bedroom last night listening to me rant all around about how much I didn’t care about Jay. He paused me mid-sentence when he asked “so why then are you so angry that he won’t talk to you?” I rattled off some generic reasons and he stopped me again. He knows me too well. “No. Tell me why you’re mad.”

You ever look at someone and see the possibilities? Like I saw something in Jay that I could get behind, a cause I could rally for, maybe play the Michelle to his Barack someday, the Lady to his MacBeth. I dunno exactly why. I just saw the could-be. Didn’t want to change him, wanted to enhance him. Looked at his flaws and saw easy ways to positively channel his negative shit. His ish was familiar. I could deal with it. That doesn’t happen often. Last time was BIG.

So it didn’t work out. And because Jay is Jay and I am me, we had to have a long conversation about it. In fact, we had many long conversations about it. And the truth of the matter? He wasn’t ready to create a revolution with me. I’ve heard that before. And from other great guys. No matter how many times you hear it, it stings no less. And I get tired of hearing it too. When does someone great ever say “yah, it’s me and you against the world.” and really mean it. I thought Jay meant it. I believed with every fiber in me that he did; but he fooled me. It’s amazing how a man can just make up their mind over night, that you’re not worth the cause.

After he explained his thoughts, I thought maybe I’ve got this whole dating thing wrong. Maybe the purpose isn’t to meet great people and have great times and eventually pair off. Maybe its just great people and great times until it fizzles out and you just move on. There’s no commitment, no promised tomorrows or even hours later. Just the time you spend together and when you’re apart, you are just that.

I’m not okay with the latter, but I thought I could be. There was a second, just one, where I thought, well, maybe that’s better than nothing? And then I snapped out of it. I don’t know where that came from or what I deserve in life, but I know what I want is more than to share a man, or to have a man who doesn’t want to fight for me.

So I bowed out, gracefully, I think. And yes, it hurt, shit it still hurts.. And in the moment, I thought about Mr. BIG. And I remembered how bad walking away from that hurt. And I remembered that I can get over anything if I can get over that. (Cue Kanye’s “Stronger” or Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” now.) This might hurt, but nothing will ever hurt like that.

After I argued with Jay for the third time that night; I decided to go out on the town. All day, I’d planned on staying in after the horrid day I was having (flurries of emails seems to be the standard M.O. in his world), but suddenly I didn’t want to be alone. Kewon was going to a Founder’s Day party (then another club) with my friends even if I didn’t go.

I dressed in my best and we hit the party, then a club. At the second spot, I run into an old friend, the guy from Queens who said the equivalent of “Cam, I adore you. I only want to be your friend.” We’re cool now though. We dance, we laugh. At some point later in the evening and in the middle of the club at 2AM, I ask him to tell me why we didn’t work.

“You want to talk about that now?” He looks confused.

“Yes,” I declare. “Now.”

He takes a moment to formulate his thoughts. “Cam, I think you’re great,” he begins. “But..”

I burst into tears. You know how you can usually feel them coming? Can take a moment to steady yourself or at least prepare for the onslaught? No time.

I cover my mouth, fully aware of the recklessness I am displaying in public, but I can’t stop. While sobbing, I try to tell Kewon that I am going home, that he should stay and enjoy the party, but he’ll hear none of it, of course. He tells the crew that we are leaving and DonQ tells him, frankly, he’s surprised that I lasted this long. They all knew how bad off I was over this blow up and saw the downward spiral I was destined to take when I ran into Queens. Evidently, I was the only one who expected me to make it through the night without an emotional outburst.

Kewon is holding my purse as he’s walking with me to the car. I’ve got one hand over my mouth trying to hold back sobs and hide my tears, and the other over my face, trying not to die of shame. I’m a real pathetic sight.

DonQ exits the club to check on us and immediately commandeers the situation, by telling me that everything isn’t for everyone. Through tears, I apologize to Kewon the whole way back for ruining his night, which he shrugs off.

“You’re a girl, you get emotional.”

My inner feminist is too upset to correct his sterotype. “But I don’t cry,” I remind him as I wipe away more tears with the sleeve of my dress.

He pulls me onto his shoulder. “Yes, I ‘know.”


12 responses to “Crashing and Burning Again and Again……

  1. This hits home for me and words can’t even express the thanks I have for your sharing. I’m so with the other anon and these f-in losers. I know so many men young and old that lose out on the one they love to later settle down with any female.

    Makes me wonder… Is there something I’m not doing or is it timing. But I think you said it best…Maybe its just great people and great times until it fizzles out and you just move on. There’s no commitment, no promised tomorrows or even hours later…

    A week ago I cried buckets of tears because the one I loved wasn’t ready to love me back. Now he says lets take things slow and date. Isn’t something better than nothing? Well me I don’t know how to love half heartedly. I don’t want to date and what will that accomplish? A waste of more time. So I continue to pick up the pieces in hopes of one day being the only one.

  2. trust me when I tell you that Queens is sooooo not worth crying over! When someone can walk away from you then let them walk. Have faith that God has someone perfect just for you. You deserve to be someones number one, not an option! Don’t let anyone steal your joy…. Its not worth it.

  3. Common has a line in his “Just Like the Water” remix about breakups. His advice to women is something like “for him to grow/ he had to go/ so what you stopping him for?”

    I know that. it still hurt.

    LeeWard: there was a “but”. i don’t think it mattered. it would have been nothing i wanted to hear. hence the tears.

  4. Big girls dont cry,
    We bawl…. and we have all right to bawl. We hold in things for so long as stone walls, that when those tears finally fall, they come down like bricks and concrete.

    Its okay to let tears fall, shit Lord knows I need to have a full ass breakdown bawl.

  5. i’ll just say this…it’s about to be the holidays in the city enjoy it and don’t sweat the small stuff

    when it’s time to happen it will happen….i know how you feel or how you felt about Jay….and maybe he’ll see that wonderful person you are……

  6. i had a big cry recently, really ugly not my best moment. But it was cleansing and after it was over my mind was able to look at things with fresh eyes. There was still pain and hurt, but for a while after my mind was clear and quiet. Things like that don’t always happen at the most convenient time, but they happen when we need them to.

  7. Don’t get mad, but I’ve got to say this:

    A woman who looks like you (classy) and is on her way up the success ladder should be careful not to seem like a man-eater.
    Men are afraid of getting their hearts broken ( or p-whipped, or whatever you young people call it these days). They’re afraid of displays of love and finding out it’s unrequited. Hence the “I need options” line.
    Men are human too. They have self-protection instinct same as we do.

    Cam, Charlotte is a small community; you’ve said so yourself. You’ve probably acquired a reputation of being a love and leave em serial dater–which is ok; few women have the beauty, self-assurance, independence, and self-esteem to do that.
    BUT–and that’s the “but” you should have listened to from queens.
    regular guys are afraid of divas. Men want to be needed. It’s an instinct they can’t control. They want to be your hero. If you don’t need a hero, then they just want to be your friend–because you make them feel less like a man and too much like an accessory.
    Too bad queens didn’t see your tears, because Kewon got to play hero. Do you see what I’m saying? TWO men came to your rescue that night!

    Before your inner feminist starts hating me, I’m not suggesting that you change into a swooning, bawling, damsel in distress. All I’m saying is that you have a vulnerable side same as everyone. It’s ok to let a man you care about see that side once in a while. (not in anger, because the anger will be all he’ll see since he probably doesn’t know you as well as Kewon does.) Let him know that you DO need him because he’s strong and manly. (corny yes, but girl, real love is corny and sweet)

    Men don’t really need “OPTIONS” if they feel secure about a woman’s ability to love them. They only need options just in case–so that they don’t feel like a fool if it turns out you don’t love them back. After all, they’ve got to live and work in this town. How are they going to feel like a man after the cream of the crop loved them then dumped them?

    Kewon, back me up on this.


  8. But…but WHAT??? If that’s not a cliffhanger, I don’t know what is. KICK ROCKS to Queens and Jay. I’m tired of these men and there so-called “options.” And the crazy thing is when they’re ready to settle down or commit to one person, they just pick a female to do it with. But when WE’RE ready to settle down or commit, we have to wait for THAT DUDE to come. F-IN LOSERS!!!

  9. Such a revealing post. I believe we have ALL gone through something similar.

    It’s getting warm; time to put on your F’em pumps, step over these fools, so you can reach one worth your time.

    You have a great blog by the way.

  10. I think we as women need to find our emotional strength. Shedding a tear is not a sign of weakness but release. Yesterday I cried so much I thought I was going to burst. But today I feel a bit better.

    Belle you’ll be fine, we all will.
    God does love us and he wants no pain or hardship for us, all we have to do is trust and be faithful.

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