When the Realization is Clear..

Look in my eyes/ Tell me what you see/ Do you see perfection in me?/ To you, do I look complete?/ Now take one more look pass my celebrity/ That’s where you’ll find the real me/ To you, do I still look complete?

I got every material thing I could ever need/ I got the love from my fans that adore me/And I’m grateful/ And I thank you so very much/ But my love for myself is lacking a little bit/
I can admit that I’m working on me/Staying faithful/ And what I’m trying to say is

Just like you sometimes I get down/Sometimes I just wanna cry/Sometimes I get depressed/ And just like me, tryna be complete/ Just understand we’re all just a work in progress

-MJB “Work in Progress” Growing Pains

After my emotional breakdown, I got to thinking that maybe it was time I stopped thinking for awhile. I figured I‘d get through Saturday, and enjoy the Breaking Dawn movie, then spend the weekend using no more than 10% of my brain power. Mother Nature seemed to be on my side as it rained most of the day Sunday so I didn’t feel like I was missing anything by staying in the house all day. I moved my laptop into my bedroom, got under the covers, and read gossip about my favorite celebs. I spent hours mindlessly googling pictures of Rhianna, Kelly Osburne, and Kelis, my three most-adored fashionistas, then debating for another hour who had the best style. At first it seemed like a three-way tie, but I picked a winner by wondering whose wardrobe I want to steal most. Kelly wins. Hands down.

Things were going well. Then the last bulb in the light fixture in my room blew, leaving me in darkness except for the glow of the computer and TV screens. But all was still good. Brain power was operating at 7% tops. The phone rings. I have a 15 minute conversation that leaves me feeling pretty much like Nina in the first five minutes of love jones and I decide that this falling in like shit really is played out like an eight track.

Liking someone should be the easiest shit in the world, shouldn’t it? But somehow it always ends up complex. I end up staring at the ceiling wondering “what the fuck just happened?” People can’t say what they mean, or we say it, then realize the other person doesn’t feel the same way. So then we feel stupid and wonder why in the hell we ever listened to any of the 10 people who told us to be more vulnerable anyway. Or sometimes we just have nothing to say and then it’s all “what’s the problem? Something must be wrong. You’re not saying anything.” There are all these weird expectations to live up to (I called. You didn’t. Why not?) and subtle games people play (I’d rather hear “I don’t want to tell you” than “I don’t know.” You fucking know!). Hints thrown, careful suggestions about what you might possibly want to change about me to get along better with you, schedules to match up. Today it takes you 5 minutes of winding sentences I don’t understand for you to finally say, “I think you’re great.” Three days from now, I’ll remind you of a Sade song. A night later, maybe you’re a square and I’m a circle. Get it, Cam?

What changed? Did I miss something? Misread the signs? Huh? I thought I was great? He’s getting off the phone. Fuck, my brain is in overdrive. Where’s my Mary? No, no, no, I will not listen to My Life.

So I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling, or actually the covers because the comforter is over my head, and I think, “is it me?” Because it’s got to be me. At the very least, I chose the wrong people to get into. Then I think of the date that I tried to get thru on Saturday with a man that would do just about anything to get past the “like” stage with me.. (he won’t)….It’s never been the intent to be a serial dater, but I guess that’s exactly what I am. And I’d cry, but I  have decided that I wouldn’t shed another tear over any dude. What does it solve? It just makes my face puffy and I’d be unpretty in the morning. If I shed real tears, it’ll be for a real reason.

Thursday night one of my “ex’s” left my house.  We talked for hours laughing and joking, and discussing all the reasons why we didn’t work.  How if time would have given us the hand that we have been dealt now things would be different……So I’m sitting in the seat that he had just gotten up from and thought: maybe this is it. Maybe this is all I get in life. Maybe I get the great two story house, and the great job, and the great friends, and live in a great city. I get a great talent that I actually get to use, and people actually tune in and pay attention to what I write. I get some great vacations and some great parties and some great hair and great clothes along the way. Maybe I’ll get the great book deal, and maybe I’ll get the great car someday (although I don’t actually need it). And MAYBE I just don’t get the great guy. No one gets it all—at least not at the same time. And I don’t think I would trade in anything that I have to get that one more thing. I don’t want it all. I am happy with what I have. Why do I keep thinking I need more?

When I wrote that paragraph the first time, I wasn’t okay with that. Twelve hours later, I am. Maybe I give up to easy. . I’m trying not to give up on him…..  I know I‘m tired of meeting someone, easing my way into allowing myself to actually like him, (one at a time. I’ve tried to juggle and date like a guy. I can’t do it), then watching it all crash and burn. Again. Again. and  Again. I mean how many times am I supposed to try over and over at something before it kicks in that this is just not for me or I’m just not good at it? Isn’t that the definition of insanity? And don’t I have other sh*t to do with my in stereo, digital life than watch the same piece of it go to shit once again? Shouldn’t I just focus on further cultivating the things I know I’m good at it? Won’t I get a better doing that? 

I’m curtsie-ing center stage after a mediocre performance. I don’t expect an ovation. Please save any applause.


9 responses to “When the Realization is Clear..

  1. And I thought my brain was in constant overdrive. I can truly understand what you are feeling and going thru… I have moments like this all the time. (Usually once a month.) One thing that I have come to realize is that sometimes you just have to stop thinking; and let things happen.

    I guess it’s a wonderful thing to have a blog to express these sentiments, and I can really appreciate your honesty. I can understand how the “serial dater” comment can touch a nerve, cause it did something to me as well when I read it.

    I am not that lucky in love either… (my ex broke up with me on my birthday… he is working his way back but that’s another story). I would love to believe that loving or wanting to be with someone shouldn’t be so difficult. I understand there are down periods… I get that. But what I would appreciate is the ease of knowing that I am making the right decision, and I am feeling the way I should. And that sounds like that you are feeling.

    Trust your instincts and don’t force the feeling. Especially if you have come to realize that people’s advice has not really benefited you.

    You also have to remember can’t always have things your way… patience and faith are pretty much all you can have during times like this. (The Serenity Prayer comes to mind.) Especially if you are accustom to having things work out just the way you planned… maybe having all the good things in life has blinded you from realizing that; you have to work just as hard for an imperfect relationship as anything else.

    Then again who am I to say…. You are the only one who has the answer for what you are going thru.

    Sorry it’s long again.. but I can’t help it sometimes. If you delete it I understand. 😛

    Kelly Osbourne really??? Kelly? I am going to have to check that out.

  2. First I wanna say – in the words of Jill Scott – Don’t have no pity for me cause I’m going thru a couple of things….life means change…just the way it goes….


    Thirdly – Anyone worth having, you fight for them, and work for it, until there is nothing else.

    Though I have to agree with Trinity about not forcing things. Just “let go and let God” as my step-monster would say! If your happy being single and fabulous, with your great job, apt. and friends in this amazing city then be it! Everyone’s not meant to be married, have a white picket fence, and 2.5 kids. Life would be so boring. I’m a firm believer that things will fall into place (I hope so or I’m screwed). When I get anxious I just take a chill pill (yours is googling Kelly mine is watching old movies), then I get back to doing what I’m good at and I hope & pray for the best!

  3. liking someone is anything but easy…..you and I both know that babe!.particularly because liking someone makes you analyze yourself even more than you normally would. but that doesn’t mean stop. Whoever said relationships are easy is lying, and whoever wants them to be easy is fooling himself/herself.

    When I’m going through “it,” I have a good friend who always tells me “Pressure makes a diamond.” And I know it’s simple and cliche and perhaps just words–but it gives me something–if only to make me stop and think about myself and how far I’ve come…and look forward to where I’m going.

    Sometimes we all need to hear “you’re great.” This is my way of saying it to you- I will always and forever think you are GREAT, and if he doesn’t see that side of you again, then so be it…


  4. How do you get better at something you are not good at? Hate to let you in on a secret but you were NOT a good writer when you first started, despite popular opinion!!

    “Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but its the middle that counts the most…you just have to allow Hope to Float to the top!”

  5. U need to learn how to spend time relaxing (mentally), sometimes the brain just needs to be zoned out for a couple of days.

  6. It’s always been my opinion that women think a little too much when it comes to finding out where they stand with us. Upon growing up and getting some years on me, I realize we don’t make the task easier by talking around the subject like we can do sometimes. In any event, do as you have done: let the mind go into auto-pilot and just focus on you and your stuff. Ironically, those are the times when all those stupid things, like a non-committal love interest, kinda take care of themselves once and for all. Keep pushing!

  7. grow some balls and stop crying. quitting is not an option. do you realize that each no or failure brings us one step closer to our first and defining YES! Quitting brings nothing more than self-pity. that tricky thing called love isn’t easy. if it was everyone wouldn’t be searching for it cause when you finally get it and realize all the things in the past that were not it, you appreciate it even more and never ever ever wanna let it go and won’t let any other distractions get in the way….

  8. Did you look in the mirror this morning and see my face? I swear this post was written for me. I understand your thought process, Belle. The question “Can we have it all?” is a never-ending one. At the end of the day, I believe we all want to be appreciated and loved, just because. While I’m sure that you are loved beyond measure by many, I understand that there can be a void that only a romantic relationship can fill. Hang in there babygirl, keep listening to that Mary, and one day soon, all this lamenting and wondering will be a distant memory.

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