Touched for the very first time..

Far and long ago, I was out with my boys at some party Smirnoff hosted for two weeks. At the party, one spotted a young lady he’d met and been lukewarm about, then talked to and become boderline in love with.

After their initial meeting, he’d called when he was free, which happened to be late. Likely 11:30. Yes, it was a booty call hour, but a booty call was not the intent. But nevermind that.

She answered, firmly told him she did not accept calls from men at that hour, and hung up. He was in love.

I wasn’t sure I got why. “Because she’s hard to get and making you chase?”

He shook his head, not even diguising the lovelorn look from his face. (Honestly, he was giddy, but it doesn’t sound right describing a straight man that way.) “She’s a lady.” He added a big sigh at the end for dramatic effect. He sounded like he was talking about a mythical creature.

Another outing. Same boys. Different girls. One boy begins to tell another about this chick he met the week prior at a friend’s birthday dinner. I can’t recall all the details because as a woman I cue in more to description of feelings about women rather than their physical make-up (That and my dudes all have types. If they’re excited about a chick, I rarely need to see her to know what she looks like.)

Anyway, we get through the physical description, then the speaker drops the golden bomb on the mostly nonchalant listener. “And she’s a virgin!”

I cue in to this. “A virgin?! What?!” Turns out chick is 26 and has never been touched for the very first time. (Cue Madonna). It’s a little odd, but I don’t knock it for various reasons, including the reigning STD/HIV rate should make everyone think about becoming a born-again one.

My boys are practically salivating at the mouth over the idea of the 26 year old virgin, but for totally different reasons. They drop words like “pure” and descriptions like “good woman” (apparently it’s not about personality and character, or even keeping a house. It’s about lack of humping. Who knew?). This is all folllowed by their 16-year-old boy notions of being “the first.”

I’m honestly baffled. Like they (as in my boys) like to hump. A lot. So what are they gonna do with a chick who doesn’t? Who hasn’t? Ever!


He’s single and focused. He holds good conversation and listens to jazz. He’s got swagger and smile that I’m sure has made many a woman say yes when she promised herself she’d say no. The old folks would say he has good disposition. The young folks would call him fine. I’ve had a crush on him forever.

A friend of his found this out at a park picnic and exclaimed, “What?!”

Apparently he has a crush on me too. “He like loves you. Ohmigod!!” she bursts.

Me: (squealing) Really?

Her: Yes, really!! He’s waiting till he has a job to ask you out.

I heard he got a job awhile back. He still hasn’t called for a date.

Unicorns, Mermaids, & Fire-breathing Dragons.

Ladies, Virgins, & Perfect Men.


46 responses to “Touched for the very first time..

  1. Interesting that your boys were salivating at the idea of a 26 year old virgin. I have to wonder if it was just the IDEA of it and not the fact itself they were caught up with.

    Because I was raised to be a “good girl” (from a religious family) and not give my goodies away I arrived at the ripe old age of 23 years old and a virgin! Agast! I couldn’t give my stuff away at a swap meet at that point!!! I just wanted to get it over with and no matter how enamored the guy was with me for being the “good girl” they were taught to find, he’d run for the hills as soon as he found out! As the previous commenter said…too much pressure!

  2. Unicorns, Mermaids, & Fire-breathing Dragons.

    Ladies, Virgins, & Perfect Men.

    *I’ve just died Laughing* Girl, I thought you knew about the “perfect” man


  3. a 26-year-old virgin? They’re buggin’. In these tough economic times you need some qualified and experienced for the job, there’s no room in the budget for on the job training. LOL

    But seriously, I couldn’t date a virgin, not now. Well, I could date her, but I wouldn’t want to be her first, maybe not even her second. That’s too much pressure and what if things don’t work out? We all remember how hard it is to get over your first, who wants to go through or put someone through that in their late 20s/early 30s? The idea of a pure woman may sound nice, but in practice I need some experience.

    Even when I was a virgin I wasn’t with a virgin, so why start being with virgins now? LOL. But the point about STD rates is a worth noting for reconsideration…

  4. i always hear people talk about getting over the first, and i wonder how much that has to do with the actual sex. isn’t it moreso cause usually your first sexual partner and first love are one in the same?

    just throwing it out there.

  5. Katrina I totally agree with you! As hard as it is to admit, I guess my first was my first love. Why else would he be my first? It wasn’t the actual sex, it was just him.

    Damn him! lol

    “Her blessing has become her curse.”

    Damn. That goes to show that our world is indeed twisted. I have to ask myself when did the shift occur?

  6. what is it guys, you afraid that you really have to do it right, with the Virgin? So you punk out

    Or is it that you prefer someone who can swing on poles?

    P.S which one is most likely to be your wife, pole or virgin

    i’ll check back for an answer in the AM at the office – goodnight!

  7. My first actually was NOT my first love (at 28, I’ve never been THERE but I think I’m close to being “in love” with someone that lives too far away to make it happen) but someone I did/do care about. We were good friends and to be honest, the first day I met him (I was 18), I absolutely knew he would be the “first.” It was hard to get over him b/c we were very close and were friends for years after college. I ended the friendship but we’ve since re-kindled the FRIENDSHIP (something he’s having a hard time with).

    As a woman, I can honestly say that I don’t think I’d want to be with a virgin. I don’t want to be the one that you have to ask if you got the BASICS (forget what EYE like) down to a science. I don’t think I could have the patience if I needed to (maybe he WOULD be good off the bat).

  8. @ Katrina – you’re absolutely right. I’ll turn 20 next tuesday and my first boyfriend was BOTH my first love and first sexual partner. We broke last week and, while each day it gets better, I’m not going to pretend that it’s not challenging to get over him. Noneoftheless, I don’t regret making him my first everything because I followed my heart and felt that he was the “right one”.

  9. I was just wondering, how women would respond, if they met a wonderful guy, but found out he was a virgin.

    Would we say thank you Jesus, or would we run with our heels in our hands.

  10. That virgin could also come with a host of issues. Is it 1908? I don’t get people who place value on virginity, and throw around terms like “good woman.” Because most times it’s based on some antiquated notions about gender. But whatever, moving on. You just need to holler at Mr. Perfect.

  11. I must agree with you, i have no desire to be their first… we can be cool, we can hang out, but i dont even look at “them” with any kind of sexual eyes… i basically label them sisters and want to protect them… weird I know.

    anon 9:06 I have a friend that went thru and is still going thru the same thing. When I met her she was a 19 year old virgin, and 10 years later shes a 29 year old virgin. She has had serious boyfriends, i can recall 2 guys all before the age of 24, but she wasnt ready back then, she is now and for the past 5 years she has been trying to give “it” away… but every guy she gets involved with… once they find out shes a virgin… they fall back or place her in the friend zone…i think its driving her mad…

    her “blessing” has now become her “curse”…

  12. i think its ridiculous(not right word but hey) that people perceive that someone is better because she/he decided to wait. I think its just that they decided to wait, for whatever the reasonings may be. It doesnt make them a better or worse person. I dont think people who have sex are bad or are not thinking straight…i just think thats what they wanted at that time and they decided to take it there.

    I myself was in the mind set that if/when I met the “right” person that I would go there also, but i have not always been a casual person and for me I need to know that my partner is here for me and not for the fact that he can get in my pants…technically I would need to feel like i loved and trusted that person and that the feelings were returned…tenfold.

    However on a more spiritual level I believe that when the time is right and I am married that it will happen then…I feel that if I have waited this long then i can wait a little longer and that is what GOD intended…but again just my personal feelings, as they have evolved over the years

    — “shoulda put a ring on it”

  13. Alisa: my heart goes out to you, hon. It’ll be okay. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will.

    Don’t try to get over it. Just let it come naturally. It will take time.

    Whenever I get really down about something, I remember this sermon one time where the minster said trouble will come. you cannot avoid it. but it does not last always.

    this too shall past. be strong. be weak. be thankful for the experience. just be.

  14. thats a lil too old to be a virgin imo, but more power to her. I think that shows her character and thats even more attractive. Nothing, and i mean NOTHING, beats a good women

    “you can have a big ol’ house, with a big ol car but next to God nothing else amounts to a…”- Raheem Devaughn ‘Women’

    I just fell in love… she’s great…AMAZINGLY unbelievable. A strong women, knows how to cook, got a beautiful that reflects on the outside as well and shes a virgin (or claims to be), but the thing is ‘i wouldn’t care if she was a prostitute’ word to Musiq, and thats for real too.

    and there are some men who strive to be the best they can be, just got to keep an optimistic mindset.

  15. Alisa,

    sweet pea, you’re 20. you have time to find a king. lots of it. just try to have fun.


    i’m with you. i don’t get the value thing either.

  16. “Agast! I couldn’t give my stuff away at a swap meet at that point!!!”

    what’s this water seeping from my eyes…seriously, that was really funny!!!

  17. I have a comment for a comment left earlier about what women would say about a man who was a virgin. I don’t know. I feel like you have a plus when you are with someone more experienced but at the same time if it is with someone you really love and it is both your first time I guess it would be even more special to than to have sex with someone who was more experienced. Me personally I feel like someone needs to know what they doing. And next, how is it that men can judge a women on how “good” she is by if she is a virgin or not. Like yeah I understand that whole “I don’t want no hoe and no girl who has been around the block more than once”, but what difference does it make. Most of the time sex is just sex for men, nothing more so why place such importance on it when you find out a girl is a virgin.

  18. If she has held on to it until this point, then she has a purpose. Most likely, she is waiting until she is married. What is wrong with that? If this guy dates her, he most certainly won’t get any because she has extraordinary will power.

    Now… How can you not respect someone with that kind of determination? She went through the Bloom of Youth and did not give it up… I’m sure she has temptation everyday… Everywhere we look today, we are surrounded by SEX. I applaud her, and hope that she gets with someone who shares her principles and respects her body as much as she does.

    If you have an issue with her determination, maybe its due to your apparent lack there-of…

  19. What is the world coming to!! “Girls, we might as well give it up early or we are destined to be lonely” (sarcasm)

    I co-sign with Drell!


  20. I’m 31 years old and a virgin. As a teenager & then young adult I waited because I wanted to find the “right one” and didn’t want to get hurt like so many of friends had been. Then when I found Christ, it became a personal conviction…something I promised both God and my future husband (I haven’t met him yet…my husband, that is)It is a struggle- sometimes a daily one- but it’s something I’m committed to seeing thru to the end. I rarely tell men up front because most aren’t interested in dating virgins. As my last boyfriend told me, “I’m not interested in teaching a girl all the tricks of the trade.” so, I usually spring it on them well after we’ve established a bond and connection. at that point they’re kinda invested and have to make a tough decision. I could go on and on about men and my experiences with them as a “V” (oh and a lot of them do get excited and think they will be the first to break me down) but I will just say: Waiting until i get married does not make me weird or odd or even old fashion. For me it’s a personal decision that makes my God happy!

  21. No one said they didn’t respect the determination or the woman who’s doing it, whatever her reasons. The criticism in the comments is more toward the men who place a value on virginity like the guys in the story. The excitement over her V-status wasn’t because they respect the woman, but because they want to be the one to “de-flower” her. Her virginity is about feeding their ego and being her first. That’s disgustingly chauvinistic.

    Who said not giving it up = lonely? Where did you draw that conclusion from?

  22. @ Ms. Bre

    can you email me if you haven’t already? i have questions.

    I think it makes you rare, but not old-fashioned. (I don’t think MOST people waited for marriage ‘back then’ either. Just many more than now.) MOST people don’t even wait for love anymore. I think it’s dope (and amazingly hygenic) that you– and others– have.

    I think my only issue is that virginity is almost universally praised or respected in women, but not in men. Like if you’re a virgin and you held off to experience this one thing with only one person, don’t you deserve to find a man that places the same value on sex? Can you find one? (That’s not a reason to run out and have sex. Just something that bothers me about the culture.)

    Last thought: I don’t think virginity saves anyone from a broken heart anymore than having sex guarantees one.

    -Muffin (LOL!) aka CamronZoe

  23. Well, I’m 21 and a virgin. I’m a student at HU and I sometimes feel like an outcast when I’m at parties and dinners and the convo is on sex.

    Guys either want to just be my friend or be my first. I’ve had guys tell me I don’t look like one, wtf? Or I need some “d” to loosen up.

    I’m not waiting until marriage just waiting for someone who is special. My friends think since I’m so old to be a virgin that I should not tell the next guy I date that I am one. I’m debating that because I really want to experience what everyone tells me is so great (sex)…, so maybe I should have sex and not disclose the fact I am a virgin. I’m just nervous that he will find out after the act and dump me or something.

    sorry for ranting.

  24. @Drell

    Your perception is that somehow having sex show a lack of determination?


    While I’m not knocking virgins in the least…the idea that women who are virgins are somehow better than those women who have sex.

    Those ideas are wrapped up in antiquated notions about gender and femininity and what not.

    For those who choose virginity….great…for those who don’t…great for them too.

    “Giving it up,” is not a ad thing.

  25. “Or I need some “d” to loosen up.

    LOL! Sorry, T, they won’t stop telling you that. Unless you’re sexing pretty regularly, several someones will come out their face with that. (I hear it at least once a month and anytime I wind myself up into deep thought about life.)

    Uh, tell him first. He needs to know. And he’ll be able to tell.

    Do it with someone special. Even if you weren’t a virgin, I’d advocate for that. Someone had a great line on here last week about passing out p*ss* like it was penny candy. It’s not. It has a value and personally, I think it should be treated as such.

  26. @ Katannya

    I’m not saying that having sex shows a lack of determination, instead I’m bringing out the fact that in order to NOT have sex in this sex crazed world takes determination.

    You must admit that sex is everywhere we look. TV, Movies, Books, Magazines… There is no escaping it. So in order to resist the temptation laid upon you every minute of the day takes serious determination.

    Giving it up as of late has become the norm, but God’s standards on the matter have not changed.

  27. You also must admit that her “not giving it up” attitude will more than likely mean that she places a much higher value on her body then just getting a nut… If you marry someone like that, would you have to worry about her sexing some other dude when you aren’t around?

    But then again, cheating on your mate has become the norm also in today’s world… So I guess that makes it OK right?? smh…

  28. CamronZoe, I hear what you are saying but I feel like a weirdo for being such an old virgin and don’t think I will find someone who would want to ‘teach me new tricks’. I just want to get it over with so I can move on. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right person here at Howard. Thanks for your words.

  29. Drell:

    i don’t smoke weed. a lot of people do. it doesn’t mean i have some high value on my lungs (though I do acknowledge their importance). it means i don’t have an interest in smoking weed.

    i think having sex does not mean you have less value for your body. it means you had sex, liked it, and did it again. and as we all discovered when I wrote the thread about JO rules, i’d argue the vast majority of readers are having sex for more than a nut.

    we cannot assume that a virgin who gets married will remain faithful. she may. she may get her first taste of sex and go buck wild. crap shoot. i’d argue being a virgin at 20-something isn’t a character trait, it means there’s an act she hasn’t participated in.

    So Sylvia– would you marry a virgin? are you one?

    – CamronZoe

  30. Im heavily interested in different aspects of sexuality and posts like this are interesting to me so I’m glad it was written….

    Whether a virgin feels like virginity is a badge of honor or not it doesn’t matter…..if she does and it makes her feel good to be able to say this…so what….plenty of people hold their personal feats and achievements up as badges of honor looking for some sort of praise in one way or another…..

    even if she flat out said she thinks she better than any other woman who had pre marital sex that opinion only matters to any other woman if that woman feels personally inferior and reacts from it

  31. @ Cliffton Geer said……..
    ‘thats a lil too old to be a virgin imo, but more power to her. I think that shows her character and thats even more attractive. Nothing, and i mean NOTHING, beats a good women’

    -It seems like that’s a bit contradictory. It shows her character, but it’s a little too old to be a virgin??

    @Tomara…I agree with CamronZoe. If you do choose to have sex with someone, you should tell them that you are a virgin. It’s not fair to you or him if you don’t. And I know it sounds cliche, but don’t do it just because everyone else is. If your goal was to wait until you found someone special, then do that. If your girls are truly your girls, they would respect that decision. I mean…you having sex or not having sex has NOTHING to do with them. Hang in there and make this decision based on what you really want to do…not what you feel forced/peer-pressured/guilted into doing.

  32. While not having sex is not a character trait, it does offer a peep into someone’s true character. I hope that makes sense.

    I would definitely marry a virgin. And while I am not one anymore (wish I was) I have been celibate for a number of years.

    As we all know, sex is extremely enjoyable. For me, however, having sex just to have it is an empty feeling. Without a meaningful relationship, or feelings behind it, it is just sex…

    The whole Sex in the City mentality is not for everyone.

  33. no way in hell would I deflower a broad. She will be on my dick all the time being all clingy and shit. Not being comfortable with her body.

    Real talk, I also notice that most virgins are unattractive, hence that fact that they are still virgins. If I see a girl with a pancake booty, saggy tig o bitties, fat then most likely she’s a virgin.

  34. Sylvia… not all babies can walk, talk, swim or write when born… but over time some babies do end up being ALOT better than other babies at those tasks…

    This may be a result to my acceptance of certain societal norms… but i honestly couldnt sit here and say I would marry a virgin, actually let me rephrase, a girl i never had sex with (a virgin with me)… that aspect is just to important in the overall happiness of the marriage. (said the shallow man…)

  35. @ kewon
    I realize that sex is a very important aspect of a relationship. Like I said above, with time and loving patience, someone can be taught to do anything that you would like for them to do. And that goes for both sexes.

    In the end, everyone has an opinion, I respect yours.

  36. Sigh.

    I disagree. Sex for sex sake is rather fabulous. I’m a fan of the casual lay.

    Now at this point in my life I wanted something more so I cut off the JOs and got myself a

    With that said…I know I wouldn’t touch a virgin with a ten foot pole as a woman. I like my men experienced. VERY experienced.

    I’m a tad on the kinky side and I want a man who is the same. I don’t have for teaching the basics and I’m tryna to work out the more advanced ish:-)

  37. “The excitement over her V-status wasn’t because they respect the woman, but because they want to be the one to “de-flower” her. Her virginity is about feeding their ego and being her first. That’s disgustingly chauvinistic.”

    I disagree. I think the excitement is to know that despite the crazy world we all live in and the urges and encouragement that the television and radio gives young women daily, it’s a tribute to their character (and health lol) that they could hold out for so long. Especially after realizing how men don’t have the capacity to deal with it on most occasions. It’s not chauvinistic. It’s idealistic and often times unrealistic. I don’t think women that choose to have sex should be attempting to diss men for being idealistic. I’m not pointing fingers but everyone’s idealistic. Especially women (because you guys usually have a more specific image of what you won’t in your minds)

    Think about it, I’ve never heard a woman say that their ideal man can be anywhere between 5’3″ and 6’10”, never heard one say she could care less about his educational background, or how much money he made, or especially whether or not they were exclusive. And nothing’s wrong with that, but u have to understand that being idealistic is not something exclusive to you guys (women) And often times we learn that what’s ideal matters very little in the grand scheme of things. If not the marriage rates would be 10 times lower. Only the most financially and physically flawless would get married. But we all know that isn’t the case. Everyone should be open-minded but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming

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