Guest Blogger – Baggage………… By: Ari

Those of you who have been following me on Facebook, know that I have under gone surgery to remove the pins that were placed in my ankle from a previous injury a few years back. Well that has caused me to spend a lot of time, at home in the bed in front of my laptop. Also in the mist of going through surgery me and my long term , long distance love affair came to an end. Leaving me unhappily single. Needless to say, my summer hasn’t been the best. I’ve had a lot of time to just sit and think about things, and do some reflecting; and I’ve concluded that…..I’ve got issues and today is just one of those days where I’m not in the mood!

Today’s Guest Blogger is my very BEST friend Ariel……….Hope you enjoy!

“Who’s your White girl crush?”

I was sitting at the table across from this guy I just recently started dating.

I don’t know why women ask men these dumb questions. It’s a setup for an argument. Maybe I just didn’t have anything else to talk to him about.

“Easy. Scarlett Johansson.”

Okay. I get that. Beautiful face. Curvy body. I think she’s gorgeous, too.

“Black girl?”

“Best all around?” He likes to answer questions with questions.

“No, break it down. Like if you were building the perfect woman.”

Best face: Beyonce.

Best arms: Jada Pinkett or Angela Bassett.

Best booty: Beyonce or Tracee Ellis Ross.

Best boobies: Keyshia Cole

“Legs?” I ask, dipping a fry in honey mustard sauce.

“Ooooh. I dunno.” he takes a moment to ponder.

“Not Bey?” I offer. Chick’s legs are amazing. Wide and firm. Mine are wider, but the general shape is the same.

He smushes up his face. “Uh-uh. She doesn’t have legs. She has ham hocks.”

Pause. Ham hocks? Really?

“Tina Turner.”

I have no idea what he’s talking about. “What?”

“Best legs. I’m going with Tina.”

“Oh.”

He looks at me curiously. “What’s wrong?”

I’m fixating. Ham hocks? I don’t know why this bothers me. I don’t have a face like Bey, arms like Jada or Angela, and nothing close to a donk like Tracee. His liking what those ladies work with doesn’t bother me a bit. Maybe it’s because my legs have always been my physical “selling” point, and if he thinks Bey has “ham hocks,” how in the hell could he have ever been interested in my dark meat?

“What, Ariel?” He sounds concerned.

“Nothing.” I’m pouting. Pause. This is stupid. What am I upset over? Really? I perk up to keep the peace.

“Best all around?”

“Kerry Washington. She’s just sexy…..”

I get that, too. Kerry’s mouth does this unique thing when she talks. Some teeth-lip-mouth thing. There’s a good-girl quality, but she might also be bad for a man. That, and her booty sat on twenty-twos in the Last King of Scotland and I Think I Love My Wife.

Now he’s making a face. He’s thinking.

“What?” I ask.

“No, no. Not Kerry,” he says, all animated. “You know who’s perfect? Like dream-woman perfect?” He doesn’t wait for my response. “Nia Long,” he blurts.

What? She’s a beautiful woman, but she’s a stick. A beautiful stick! What is he doing sitting across the table from me? I am not a stick. I’m more like a log – not a huge log, but – okay, maybe that’s a bad analogy. If she’s an appetizer, I’m an entree. I happily eat entrees, and I am what soul singer Bilal Oliver called “something to hold on to.” And this guy, likes and appetizer? I will never be an appetizer. I don’t want to be an appetizer! I like being a meal! Although, admittedly, I’ve been faithfully running four miles a day for the last couple of weeks in hopes of becoming a healthier, leaner meal.

I realize I’m thinking crazy, but I’m too far gone to stop myself.

“I am a thick chick!” I declare loudly and righteously on behalf of all sizes eight and up worldwide. If there was a soapbox present, I would have stood on it purely for effect. “And I eat! And I’m never gonna be a two! Or a four! And my thigh is wide and strong. And I like it that way! So if you want a stick with little legs, you’ll have to go fine one, because I’m not starving for anyone!” I would pound my chest proudly if I didn’t have breasts in the way.

He blinks at me. Once. Twice. Three times. “What the hell was that?” he blurts back at me.

Not the answer I was expecting.

He waves a hand all over the place in front of his face like Tony Yayo. “That! What was that?” he bellows, referring to my wild outburst. He goes in before I can answer. “I didn’t ask you to lose weight or be a-a-stick!” His voice goes up on the noun. “I know you’re not skinny. I can see! If I wanted a stick, I’d be sitting across from a stick. I’m sitting across from you, you know? And it’s not the first time this week. If I didn’t like what I see, I wouldn’t keep seeing it!”

I feel like an idiot. But old habits die hard. I’m not taking the full blame for this one. “So how can skinny women with skinny legs be your ideal?” I squeak. I’m so irrational I don’t even have a big-girl bass in my voice.

“Really, Ri? Really?” He sighs like an overspent parent with a willful toddler.

I should have kept my mouth shut. He is soooo through with me right now. “Oh, just ——” I begin, finally trying to keep this from escalating, but he cuts me off.

“I’m a man. I like women,” he says plainly. “Skinny ones, thick ones, tall, short, dark, light, whatever……it’s that simple.”

I feel like an ass. Not an asshole. The whole ass. But he’s not done. “You need to deal with your issues about yourself. Don’t take it out on me,” he says.

Touche.

I apologize for flipping out; he waves it off and accepts. We move on to another subject and pass the remainder of our outing in compatible conversation.

I go home, think on my crazy. Whenever I date the same person for more than ninety days, the interaction brings out all of my baggage. Some men are happy to carry it. Others not so much. either way, I like my issues buried in the back of the closet where they belong. But if I don’t start unpacking and unloading, I’m screwed.

So are you.

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12 responses to “Guest Blogger – Baggage………… By: Ari

  1. Ummm…issues? Definitely. If you’re having an off, insecure day why choose that moment to start grilling this dude about his ideal type? It seems like you were looking to be let down…almost picking a topic you knew would get you fired up. I guess you were just being a woman. We all have days like this but it’s like we’re torturing ourselves at times. Don’t let your entree sized thighs knock you off your game. You have to keep your swagger at a hundred thousand million 🙂

  2. I can definitely relate to this – maybe cos I’m Cancerian chick trying to act like I don’t give two hoots about what people think of me. When really I’m quite insecure and unsure of myself at times.

    When you are involved with someone all of your perceived flaws are exacerbated. You can’t help but think about what you are not. The height you don’t have, the not so flat stomach or perfect boobs. You are no longer a whole person, but mere body parts inadequates ones at that.

    We punish ourselves for what we don’t have, all the time forgetting that our partner has the whole person and likes the whole person very much, flaws and all.

    I think we/you need to stop giving yourself such a hard time. Someone told me once not to point out the cracks in the paint work…I think I should start taking that advice…:o)

  3. “I’d just asked him about his white girl crush. I don’t know why women ask men these dumb ass questions. It’s a set up for an argument.”

    These kinds questions are only a set-up for an argument when you aren’t prepared for the truth of the answer.

    That said, men are bombarded with the same images that women are…Toothpicks with boobs and hair standing on Stilettos.

    I saw Scarlett Johansson in He’s just not that into you and the white woman next to us said, “OMG, she is huge!” Really??? Then I realized that we aren’t really use to seeing real-sized women in movies or on TV.

  4. Ay, that whole post was killing me!

    your appetizer.entree analogy was too funny! I get like that.

    I’ll call my ex and if he’s like i’ll call you back in however long, my crazy come out and im like…”but who are you talking to though, naaaaaah WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO, who is she…you best call me back, you have ten minutes, tell that b!tch bye!” lol

    and we aint even like that anymore. lol

    For real you gotta deal with your issues, make sure you love every single particle of your being before you attempt to let someone else love you.

  5. Stick is relative (to height) first of all. Sizes don’t say much when a girl’s short as hell or when she’s tall and doesn’t look as big because of this. But moreso than anything guys notice a girl’s shape. The beauty of this is that guys don’t all like the exact same shape. I personally like women shaped like the ones in the King magazines, but would never actually date one because they’re usually in a whole nother reality due to the amount of attention they receive. I’d rather a girl with a hint of insecurity. I want a human being, not a doll. And being thick is a plus, but stomach fat is not a plus. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker but it isn’t attractive. Just like a man’s lack of height is not attractive, a woman’s lack of discipline around the midsection is the same. However girls with nicer shapes can get away with this more than a girl without a well-shaped figure. Physically everyone looks for certain things, but only fools limit themselves to certain things and call it being picky or say they have extremely high standards. Good luck finding someone you actually really like/love when physicality’s that important and when it takes that much precision to pass your test of approval. You don’t need people this shallow anyway. But for the most part the line he said about loving women of all shapes, shades, and sizes is real when talking about most men. Don’t waste your time going after the shallow men that operate like elementary school kids…

    Just my take on it

  6. Haha, I don’t knock her for being insecure, but the way she blurted it out would’ve scared me too if we were only dating. You could’ve thrown some lead up questions first. Secondly women (especially the ones that are better looking than mediocre which it sounds like you are) need to realize that you aren’t going to be most men’s ideal. That’s just how it is. You could role with a cat like me that doesn’t really have an ideal, but knows beauty when he sees it, or you can accept that you may not be someone’s ideal but they’ll still recognize you as the stunning art form you are anyway if they’re still dating you.

    Hell guys need to realize this too, but a guy’s usually not gonna go that hard against logic, which tells him (logic does) that the ideal man in most women’s eyes (they’ve also been conditioned by popular culture) does not look exactly like him, but he can still earn ideal man status from the way he carries himself. Especially if he’s still good looking in his own unique way anyway. People need to realize that the mind (especially when it comes to attraction) isn’t that straightforward and precise about what stimulates it. Don’t be so shallow. You’re much deeper than that as an art form. I know I am. I’m no Denzel but I’m a whole nother work of art that women have found much appeal in over the years sexually and mentally. You could be the same if you got over the shallow dream of being the perfect physical manifestation of some famous people.
    Just get realistic and play your cards to a T. Believe me, we notice and love that.

  7. First wanna say CamronZoe, I’m sorry about your surgery, and your boyfriend. Just see it as a lesson learned. Hope you feel better soon.

    Okay I’m running to the airport but I had to stop to comment. I currently date a guy who in our joking states makes fun of my natural hair (“cook it” he tells me), my small chest (“itty bitty titty committee”…which I’m a C but I guess he’s used to those double letter chicks..hahaha). And whenever he rambles a lil too long to the point where I might get offended, I remind him “but ummm you’re still calling me.” And his response? “Damn, you right.” LOL
    So while, I may not be his ideal, that’s cool with me. It’s all fantasy. Reality is the day to day shit and ultimately it means so much more than fictious celeb hookups.

    Sidebar: I’m so with you on the Beyonce leg thing. My legs are my signature! One man’s hamhock is another man’s steak! lol

  8. I think the consensus here is that it was brave for you to put yourself out there on this. It’s even braver that you ackknowledge that you did go a lil psycho on B and set yourself up for it. A fantasy is just that. I dream of Boris Kodjoe, Brian White, and Columbus Short but the men I date don’t HAVE to look like that. Most men know that the women they drool over are unattainable but that doesn’t mean their fantasy chick is gonna look like everyone they actually date. I had a coworker get highly offended when she played this game with her SO. They were watching videos and started discussing his and he mentioned Toni Braxtion, Halle, B, the usual. She was mad because she’s full-figured and dark-skinned. Beautiful lady but bc SHE still has issues regarding her weight and skin tone, she took it out on him. He was just telling her who he thought was pretty in Hollywood. The point is, we all have our own unique qualities about oruselves that make us attractive. We can’t get caught up in silly things like that. I like how you handled it (he didn’t let an argument start). You’re beautiful hon. Glad you weren’t too quick to let him go.

    BUT he WAS wrong for the hamhocks comments. I haven’t met a guy yet who doesn’t like a thick-thighed girl! Come back down to the dirty for a weekend. If you’re an 8, you might get told you ain’t thick enough, lol……

    O and Cam, we hope you feel better!!

  9. “I feel like an ass. Not an asshole. The whole ass.”

    Loved it! Relationships magnify my insecurities. I’m looking for a man that will defend them.

  10. Ari I think we both have the same issue. I have insecurities I keep bottled up and when they explode, man do they leave an embarassing mess everywhere. But before you can let anyone love or even like you, you have to be okay with yourself. I’m learning that first hand right now.

    I’m sure it would have been hard to face him after that, but did you really have to break it off over it?

    Don’t continue to set guys up for failure.

    Great Job!

  11. Cam, it’ll be alright. I know you have the ability to JUMP back, just based off your blogs alone……

    @ Ari – love what you did. love that you posted it. i know it was tough, but i think i understood what was behind it. although you asked him about celebs chicks you really wanted him to name you somewhere on his list.

    sometimes men don’t get it. they don’t get it that some women have weird moments of vulnerability. it won’t be obvious like crying or directly saying “i know i’m a badass chick, but today i don’t really feel it . can you stroke my ego?”

    those are the times when a compliment (even though it would occur in the midst of a seemingly meaningless fantasy talk) would have been nice. it was a set up for him to make you feel good about yourself and he failed – thus the you can’t do this talk.

    maybe i’m spinning this into something it wasn’t, but we all have our off days. i know you’ll be back, issues addressed and swagger in overdrive. don’t be so hard on yourself (or a brother).

  12. been there. never picked a fight with him, but i obsessed about his ideal woman and how i was the complete opposite.

    we are our own worst enemy, just keep your demons at bay and you will be the better for it.

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