The “Jump Off”

“Your wife, how would she feel….if she caught us together?  The same way I would feel….if I caught you with another. Home I know comes first….but second to that I’ll be….If you’re not there with her, then I want you right here with me…..I’ll be the other woman”

– Betty Wright

I nearly blurted out my McDonald’s frozen strawberry lemonade on my computer screen when I turned on the t.v. and came to a new briefing on the woman who sued her husband’s mistress for $9 million due to the “severe emotional distress” triggered by the affair with her husband.  This case was filed and won back in 2010.  Well another North Carolina woman is using this case to fuel her own cast against her husbands alleged mistress.

This was unbelievable to me because just yesterday I was having a heated debate on this topic with a male friend of mine. It must be fate.  The cosmic stars have aligned just so that I could voice my opinion on the subject.

We’re suing mistresses now?

I remember awhile back when the blogs were having a field day with rumors of Fantasia being sued by the wife of her alleged boyfriend. They kept citing “criminal conversion,” an old-fashioned law that never left the books in North Carolina,  and six other states. The law allows wives to sue their own husband’s mistresses and in order to win a suit, the wife must prove that she was “validly married” and that her husband had sex with the accused. I thought all the talk about going after mistresses was unlikely blog chatter. Um, I guess not.

My initial reaction was probably like many people’s: “what’s his mistress got to do with you?” As much as we like to say, “she should have respected my vows!” The other woman didn’t take any vows. Your husband did. Blaming the mistress follows an all too disturbing pattern that lots of women exhibit, which is to blame the other woman while overlooking the man who’s at the center of your drama. If anyone inflicted emotional distress, wasn’t it the man who stood up in a church, or at least before a judge, some family and friends, and vowed to be true?

But then I slept on it. And this morning I rolled the idea around in my head. Indulge my randomness for a moment. How many of you remember The Insider (1999) with Russell Crowe? If not, a quick summary: Crowe is a company man with insider secrets. He’s laid off and must sign a confidentiality agreement not to disclose what he knows. A television studio comes calling and he breaks his contract with the company. The network risks being dragged into a billion dollar lawsuit that could bankrupt them because they knew of the existing contract between Crowe and his former employer and chose to disregard it. So if we’re following that logic, shouldn’t a mistress who knew of a man’s contract with his wife, but choose to disregard it, be held accountable too ?

Perhaps part of the reason adultery is so rampant— allegedly half of married men cheat, according to published reports— is that there aren’t any real repercussions for the mistress. Cheating men live under the threat of divorce— a huge financial and emotional loss, but the mistress, at most might get some harassing phone calls from the wife, maybe cry to Nina Simone’s “The Other Woman” and suffer a little emotional distress from the man who keeps promising to leave his wife, but never does. That’s pretty minor in comparison to what a wife goes through, no? I mean we’re talking a wrecked marriage, stress on the kids, health concerns, financial losses for whatever he’s spending on his mistress, drama, etc. What real incentive, other than moral outrage, The Golden Rule, and karma (admittedly, that combination is what keeps me away far, far, away from married men) is there to keep a woman from a married man?

If there was an added detriment to being a jump off (cue Joe Budden), less women may be inclined to do it.. or at least that was Shackelford had in mind. She told the Post she hoped the ruling would deter other would-be mistresses of married men and encourage people to respect the sanctity of marriage.

 

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, and I carved my name into his leather seats….I took a Lousiville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires…..

Maybe next time he’ll think…..before he cheats….

– Carrie Underwood

 

Do you think being able to sue a mistress will do that?

Discuss.

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39 responses to “The “Jump Off”

  1. I doubt that this will do anything to prevent adultery. Even in societies where the penalty for adultery is death, it still happens. I don’t know about you, but death > lawsuit ANY DAY. If that’s not enough to stop cheating, nothing will. And in many instances, women don’t have much in the way of wealth to lose. By being a mistress, you’ve already proven (IMO) that you care little about your reputation. So what is there to really lose by being sued or named publicly? Especially in the cases of high-profile men? Mistresses WANT to be named. And these misguided birds will take the lawsuit as a sign that they “really got to” the wife, and wear it as a sick sign of pride. The only one who profits here? Gloria Allred. She’ll be signing up to defend mistresses left and right, as long as there are some media cameras.

    I think adultery will always happen because monogamy goes against nature. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t aspire to it. I’m not saying f*ck and suck anyone because nature says to do it. Just saying that logic does little to stop more base forces at play. Think about all these men stand to lose. Divorce, in essence, is a big ass lawsuit. If it’s not stopping men, why on earth would it stop women?

    The only thing I think could possibly lower adultery rates? Equal pay, wealth distributions and opportunities for men and women. Women often chase taken men for financial security. If they can obtain it (or more of it) on their own, the need to chase a taken man with money could lessen. Just an idea of mine.

  2. I don’t think it will do much to make women think twice about playing the other woman, if for no other reason that the fact that alienation of affection laws are still on the books in so few states, and many judges are unwilling to hear the cases.

    I make a very conscious effort not to judge people and their choices, but being the mistress is a role I just can’t abide. Much like you Belle, I believe that the majority of the fault lies in the husband; he took the vows, he was committed, and he lay down with her.

    But seriously, what kinda immoral, broken person do you have to be to KNOWINGLY inflict that kinda pain on someone and participate in breaking up their home? I am not talking about the mistresses who DON’T know the husbands are married; they have been just as deceived as the wives in some cases. I mean the ones that know the man is married or even worse, seek out and pursue married men for sport.

    I think really the only thing that will cut down on women willing to be the mistress is attacking the source of the mindset that it’s ok to be the JO; being real about the fact that it’s real trifling and lowdown, not exciting. It is not a badge of honor. It doesn’t make you special. It isn’t ok because there is a “shortage of available men”. It’s not cool if “you are number 1” or you “don’t want a relationship.” It is not better than being alone. None of that is ok or excusable. And the sooner we stop glorifying sideline hoes like it’s something to be aspired to, accomplished, or acclaimed, maybe less women will stop participating.

  3. It is beyond extra to try to sue the mistress (unless the mistress is Oprah or a rich woman because then theres so much potential to get paid that Im not mad at the wife at all. lol). The only thing that would make it better is if the mistress could turn around and sue the husband to recoup her losses. LoL.

    As far as knowingly facilitating the breech of a contract eh there is no breech occurring. The marriage license that is legally valid doesn’t require that the individuals entering into the contract be faithful to one another. Generally, the license (and pre-nup) details the division of financial, property, child, and healthcare responsibilities. The vows to love honor, cherish, remain faithful yadda, yadda, yadda isn’t included. The mistress isn’t necessarily facilitating his breech of those responsibilities. If he can handle that and the mistress then legally the wife has nothing to say.

  4. No, men are going to cheat no matter what. I have a hard time with wome who are only blaming the mistress. C’mon ladies YOUR husband is the one that stepped out on your marriage. In some cases these women don’t even know that the man has a wife because he does such a great job of covering his steps. Trust I know a few women and men who have done this successfully. She should be suing her husbadn and not the jump off. Yes I know responsibility is falls on both but gimme a break. I think of how many people are going to get set up and sued, so that the husband and wife can get back together and rake in the cash. Are we really that greedy and desperate?

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

  5. Hi CamronZoe,

    I’m new to your blog, but so far I am enjoying it. My friend sent me the link today and I’m glad she did.

    I believe the fault lies wiith the man that cheated and not the mistress (unless she’s a friend or family member). I don’t believe that going after the “other woman” will decrease how often adultery is committed. Personally, I feel the 9M lawsuit is bullsh*t. The woman being sued is not rich, the hurt wife will not see that money, or anything even close, it’s almost comical. I don’t see how a bogus lawsuit is supposed to deter women from sleeping with married men. Honestly, I think a long as people exist, there will always be adultery.

  6. Whether folk want to be it or not – there can be upsides to being a mistress particularly if the man is wealthy. Suing the woman is just plain silly to me.

    Your husband dipped out – took the vows, etc. This isn’t the first time a woman has sued (and won) against her husband’s mistress – it was also in a southern state – could have been North Carolina again – but it is a reason why these types of laws are rare – they are riddled with problems particularly if the wife doesn’t leave the husband – what are his penalties?

    Leave the man – stay and fix whatever was broken – but leave chicky alone unless you gonna give her an old school beat down or put her on blast at her job or some other such public shaming. I’m all for public shaming – but honestly one should try their best to move – living well is the best revenge.

  7. I think adultery will always happen because monogamy goes against nature.

    Cheating is not about sex, its about betrayal, deceit, etc. You can be as non monogamous as you want, but the minute you take vows of fidelity, then break them, Houston, we have a problem.

    I don’t see how a bogus lawsuit is supposed to deter women from sleeping with married men.

    A judgment is HELL on your credit. You can put liens on property and all kinds of stuff. In extreme cases, levy assets and garnish wages. In short, she can ruin the mistress’ life like she felt hers was ruined.

    But to the topic– I believe ALL parties should be held accountable and I believe more people are “aware” they are the other than they like to admit. And in this case, she certainly was aware, but claims the marriage was already in shambles before she came along.

    So yeah, sue her. I’m sure it will get reduced upon appeal, but this woman is not even remotely remorseful about her actions, just that she got got.

    Sometimes legal recourse is all people have when they’re wronged.

    The fault lies with them both. And yeah, the man made vows, but it’s also wrong to encourage, and participate in, someone else breaking a covenant. We have this standard of morality/legality across the board, you know “accessory” and “conspiracy” to crimes. And we also live in a society where we believe it’s just as wrong to encourage/participate in someone being wrong. For instance, the kid who hands the other kid a cigarette. They’re both wrong.

    Just because someone didn’t make a promise to you doesn’t mean they are NOT accountable for their role in the promise being broken.

  8. Where is J.Alden when you need him: Forreal….(lol)

    @ Ricka – Your statement that monogamy goes against nature is false. There are several animals that are monogamous including primates.

    Actually that’s not really true. Pretty much all the animals they though were monogamous aren’t. And many that are monogamous, practice a serial monogamy – where they are monogamous for a time and then switch partners.

    And outside of hunger sex is the strongest drive in humans, hence the reason people do so many stupid things where sex is concerned and why (as someone has pointed out) even the penalty of death doesn’t stop folk from getting it on.

    However, whether or not monogamy is natural is irrelevant – wearing clothes isn’t natural but we do it – if you take a vow you should honor it – not honoring it has consequences – but I also don’t beleive the person who gets cheated on is always completely blameless in said cheating.

    So the mistress is really not the problem.

  9. Its hard to say. I don’t see what suing the woman did for the wife. I could see it if she’s got it like that, but she doesn’t. But I don’t think the husband will be cheating anymore, seeing how he could be next. I think people will cheat no matter what. As long as the other person in the relationship thinks they can get away with it, they’ll do it.
    Now speaking as someone who’s been in this situation(twice), you know ALL of the risks going in. Now the other woman wasn’t expecting a lawsuit, I’m sure. But when the other half finds out about it, anything can happen. There’s no way they can let something like that slide. In a situation like this, you have to play it like someone’s ALWAYS watching. And be ready for any & every situation that could occur.

    Thank you as always for letting us share, CamronZoe.

  10. Just because someone didn’t make a promise to you doesn’t mean they are NOT accountable for their role in the promise being broken.

    Don’t agree with that.

    If I didn’t make the promise – you breaking it is not my issue. You knew you made a promise – regardless of what I do – you should keep it – or not – but it ain’t my fault if you don’t.

    Ah…the beauty of free will.

  11. @Don’Q

    Again, the issue with cheating is lying, deceiving, betraying, etc. To be knowingly involved in something like that the other woman too is committing a multitude of wrongs (or sins) however you look at it. Saying you’re not accountable because you’re not married… well there are people who worked FOR Madoff who felt that even though they either outright knew or had an idea, it really was good old Berns who was ACTUALLY in the wrong. When it hits the fan, everybody’s hands are dirty. Sometimes you come out unscathed, sometimes not.

    I also don’t beleive the person who gets cheated on is always completely blameless in said cheating.

    You can say the spouse is accountable for their role the demise of the marriage (if that is the case, some people are just asses and will do whatever despite what’s going on at home), but they aren’t to blame for the lying and what not that constitutes cheating. On one hand you say you’re not responsible for the spouse breaking his promise but on the other you’re saying the wife is not blameless. Well which one is it because you can’t have it both ways holding the wife accountable but not the mistress. If somebody else is accountable for dude’s behavior, they both are or neither are.

  12. @Don’Q

    “Actually that’s not really true. Pretty much all the animals they though were monogamous aren’t.”

    Where’d you find that?

    “And outside of hunger sex is the strongest drive in humans, hence the reason people do so many stupid things where sex is concerned and why (as someone has pointed out) even the penalty of death doesn’t stop folk from getting it on.”

    Again, I don’t think this will serve as a huge deterrent, but I also don’t think it will be unsuccessfull at making some women think twice. I mean come on, there are people who have sex without caring about STD’s, but the threat of STD’s definitely makes me think twice, and I know I’m not the only one.

    ” but I also don’t beleive the person who gets cheated on is always completely blameless in said cheating.”

    That I can agree with, but for those who are, “don’t get mad, get even” -Robert F. Kennedy

    To me, this is not about the mistress being the problem. Every marriage has problems, that’s inevitable. Mistresses exploit the problems in a marriage, and have consistantly done so with no consequences (for the most part). This mistress got what was coming to her.

  13. Where’d you find that?

    There any number of articles about it – all the birds they thought were monogamous aren’t – and most primates aren’t monogamous – most live in a harem type setting – several (the bonobos in particular) rub genitals just to say hello and regardless of the sex of the other bonobo.

    Fidelity isn’t really useful from a mixing up the genes perspective – nor for ensuring that offspring are cared for – female primates that mate with most of the males are more likely to get food from all the other primates she slept with and are less likely to have her offspring killed should a new Alpha male take over the group.

    Once again none of this is here or there. We can all agree breaking vows is a bad deal.

  14. @ Don’Q

    Mongomay is rare, but it’s not unnatural. There are animals that are monogamous, but I don’t want to hi-jack the topic, so I’ll leave it alone. And, basically we already agree, breaking vows is a bad idea.

  15. @ Don’Q

    “So the mistress is really not the problem”

    I’m sorry, but I completely disagree with this conclusion! You and I are on the same page with some of your other comments though. I primarily blame the cheating spouse, but (in most instances) the jump off is to blame as well! I absolutely hate women who involve themselves with married men. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing. I’d like to think that anyone with good morals and a good heart would not allow themselves to enter into a relationship with a married person. I’m sure all of us have been propositioned by a married/engaged person before. It’s happened to me at least 3 times within the past year! And every single time I declined….I’m not that kinda girl! It goes back to the idea that you should treat people the way you want to be treated.

    The sad thing is, I doubt that lawsuits, divorce or any other kinds of repercussion will stop infidelity. If you want to cheat, you’re eventually going to find someone to do it with you. As bad as it sounds, it makes me a little wary of marriage. I feel like our generation (those in their 20s-30s) take marriage for a joke, cheating at a drop of dime. I’m a very trusting person, but it makes me wonder if I’m being naïve to completely trust my future spouse.

  16. How about this scenario…what if a husband spends significant time with a woman that is not his wife? He wines her, he dines her, he shares intimate things about his life that he doesn’t even share with his wife, and at the end of the day, he truly loves this woman. BUT…drum roll please…they NEVER have sex. Does this constitute being sued by his wife? Because to ME, this is the ultimate “emotional distress” that a wife can have. I have always been told by every woman I have been involved with that they could accept me having sex with another woman OVER me developing feelings for a woman. It merely shows you the differences in how women and men think.

    A man would lose his mind if he found out another penal chord was in his woman’s ushy gushy pleasure den. THAT would be the ultimate kicker, not if she shared stories of her past to him. As long as he didnt fuck my woman, we are good.

    But are we? My tangent was merely to make a point. What do we actually consider cheating? I think we all can agree that is absurd to try to gain monetary units from a woman that may have been misinformed the entire time she was dealing with the adulterous man. But would it even be an issue if sex is not involved?

    Cheating is a selfish act, period. Which is the complete opposite of the fundamentals of marriage and everything it is supposed to stand for (a totally different blog). I don’t think its a matter of how “natural” monogamy is because once you take the vows that philosophy goes out of the window. Unless…you are a selfish individual.

    To cheat…emotionally or physically…THAT is the question, or IS it?

    @DonQ Unfortunately free will has been the demise of men…and women since Christ walked the earth. But I agree to a certain extent because at the end of the day an adult is going to do exactly what they want to do. Married or not.

  17. It’s principalities involved in this.

    Did the wife sue thinking that she was actually going to get $9 million dollars from her husband’s j.o.? NO. But it’s the simple fact that the jump off had to go through the trouble of hiring a defense lawyer, pay retainer fees, take off of work to show up to court (probably multiple times), probably pay court costs, and sit through having her name publicly drug through the mud…and ultimately be found guilty of being a whore in the process.

    I’m sorry but that shit is priceless!

    And if it made the wife feel better for even a GLIMMER of a second, I say it was totally worth it.

    So yes, if that’s what it takes for a woman to regain her dignity, by all means, I say sue the hell out of these heifers. Now, she needs to do the same to the husband. Then if he and the jump off want to continue to be together, so be it.

    They’ll just have to live off of love cause she’s going to have all their money!

  18. Can we stop with the pretense that “men always cheat” when statistics show that women cheat in marriages just as much? That horse done died a while back.

  19. “Just because someone didn’t make a promise to you doesn’t mean they are NOT accountable for their role in the promise being broken.

    Don’t agree with that.

    If I didn’t make the promise – you breaking it is not my issue. You knew you made a promise – regardless of what I do – you should keep it – or not – but it ain’t my fault if you don’t.

    Ah…the beauty of free will.”

    hahaha! I love it! I think me and Don’Q and J.Alden are actually agreeing today and it feels wonderful lol.

    Though J.Alden – that’s cheating too anytime you do the things you do with another girl, that you do with your wife you ARE CHEATING. that means taking her on dates talking on the phone spending money and EVEN SEX, but him cheating on his wife ain’t her problem.

    Honestly I see where the other side is coming from. She is somewhat like an accessory, but let’s be real. Lustful mutually enjoyable sex that has serious repercussions for one party involved is sooooo different from conspiring to completely take someone’s life in cold blood. It’s really apples and oranges.

    If shorty’s single, she ain’t got nothin to do wit that promise. Personally I stay away from it for my own safety, but if I were a more brave soul I’d sleep with other men’s wives and not feel any remorse. I wouldn’t pursue them, but if she approached me like she wanted/needed it, who am I to say no if I’m attracted to her….Her bein unfaithful and him marrying an unfaithful woman is not my concern, and my taking the moral high ground doesn’t better the situation because she’s gonna cheat eventually and if I happened to be horny and attracted….can u really blame me? The problem has nothing to do with me, I’m just an actor I didn’t write the play.

  20. @Just A Girl…come on, now. You’re conveniently forgetting that dragging the j.o’s name through the mud ALSO highlights the fact that the wife CHOSE to marry a cheating man and will likely result in speculation about said wife, such as ppl wondering what she was or was not doing at home; wondering how come she didn’t know sooner; wondering how come wifey can’t control her man. Some ppl might be sympathetic, but I can guarantee you behind the noisy wifes back….there’s a lot of snickering, some empathy and some disgust. Sometimes the “lady like” thing to do is to keep yourself and your kids out of the news, bcuz in this scenario, revenge DOES have a price.

  21. The problem has nothing to do with me, I’m just an actor I didn’t write the play.
    Yeah… but life doesn’t work like that.

    If I didn’t make the promise – you breaking it is not my issue.

    Life doesn’t work like that.

    The lies and deception involved with affairs is really deep. And the consequences are too. It can break apart families, change the lives of children, destroy finances, end up with disease or death and tons of other consequences. Saying that you don’t play a part if you’re the other party is just a really immature way of looking at accountability. I mean, using that logic, I could drive the getaway car because I’m not the one who robbed the bank. Well if we get caught, we’re both going in, and even if I was just a PASSENGER in that car, chances are I’m going down too.

    We hold people accountable for their participation in wrongdoing. That’s the way this society has always been. It’s just that SOME people don’t want accountability for things they don’t really PERSONALLY see a problem engaging in. But if I bring in acts of greater accepted despicability, then people will agree.

    People tend to be cool with cheating, usually because they usually want to reserve a place of non-judgment if they directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly, partake in it.

    So, fine, you don’t hold someone accountable for participating in cheating.

    Do you hold someone accountable for participating in allowing molestation?

    A rape?

    A random murder?

    A robbery?

    A hate crime?

    Well a lot of people would go “of course” because those things are universally accepted as wrong, but the “act of accountability” is still present, people just want the accountability to not apply when it comes to things they personally aren’t objected to.

    If being involved in wrongdoing is bad, it’s bad across the board. If it’s not bad across the board, then really, people are just looking for exceptions that fit within their moral comfort zone.

  22. “”If you kill someone with malice its called murder and you get the max. penalty. You break up a marriage with malice its called….getting taken to the BANK!”

    @ Ariel – Ummm the person being killed didnt have a choice in the matter… the person who allowed the marriage to be broken up made a choice… i just have a problem with the notion of someone breaking up a marriage… you can only do what you are allowed to do right? This concept makes it seem like the man is some maniputable entity who bends on the whims and the desires of the opposite sex… wait, thats actually true… let me digress…”

    hahaha! I like the last part, so true! But yeah I agree with this. (Didn’t see it before I typed those 5 other posts lol). It’s actually like comparing apples to ground beef now that you drew it out like that. The person being killed has no choice in the matter. And as much as this can hurt the one being cheated on, it doesn’t actually kill them. Life goes on.

    Whoever said cheating is about deceit, lies, etc; I would say it’s only about that to the one who got cheated on. Their pride/ego suffers a devastating and debilitating blow. They are embarrassed, hurt, infuriated etc; but the one that cheated has none of that in his or her mind. That person usually is only looking for sexual gratification, egotistical gratification, emotional gratification, fun, adventure etc; But it’s more about sex/fun to that person than deceit and the opposite with the person that got cheated on (In other words the victim feels deceit as an effect, but deceit is not usually part of the cause).

    And B St. Randy, I feel you. It’s the prevailing assumption that men cheat way more, but I’m not really convinced that the gap is that large. I think one of the reasons men cheating gets more publicized and is talked about more is the financial dynamic. Because men make more they usually stand to lose more from divorce (and thus women file for divorce more often). Also it’s been frequently discussed on this blog how women tend to take time away from their careers to be the primary caretaker and do domestic tasks way more often than men. This gives men more opportunities to cheat and also get caught(usually in a sloppy way ala Tiger lol). It’s a little harder to have a male jump-off in the house when you’re babysitting the kids…

    Also I think men are more embarrassed about being cheated on. They tend to either cheat back and get revenge, beat the woman, or develop a open relationship understanding etc; whereas women are outraged because it’s something that is well-documented to be a recurring theme of history that a man has mistresses. No one wants to be another victim/statistic citing how they never thought it would/could happen to them. Thus women tend to band together to bash cheating men and their mistresses because they see it more as a women’s issue. Most of the men I know that have been cheated on keep it under wraps and treat it like a personal issue (not a men’s issue. we all know bonding on a feeling such as vulnerability ain’t really considered masculine), because they don’t want to admit it and don’t want ppl to know that she really got to him if the secret is out.

    It’s not that simple, but those are some things to think about (sloppy and unorganized, but work with me I typed it in a hurry lol)

  23. Don’t agree with that.

    If I didn’t make the promise – you breaking it is not my issue. You knew you made a promise – regardless of what I do – you should keep it – or not – but it ain’t my fault if you don’t.

    eve didn’t agree not to eat the fruit. adam did. but they both got kicked out of the garden all the same.

    Cain didn’t pull the trigger, but he was an accessory to O-Dog’s crime simply by being there, getting in the car afterward, and never turning him in. there’s not even a contract, verbal or otherwise, on that one.

    there should be some accountability for willful wrongdoing. i think anyone would be hardpressed to argue that sexing a still “validly married” man isn’t wrong .

    our reigning legal system has decided that if you knew some ish was wrong and were there and did nothing (neglect), or assisted in the wrongdoing (accessory) you are at fault.

  24. Let me break this down further with J.Alden, and my boi Don’Q If a person comes on to you and you’re not married, at the end of the day it’s YOUR LIFE that you’re living, not theirs. All the things you asked about. Rape, robbery, molestation are crimes first of all. Having sex is not a crime. Lying is not a crime. Being infatuated with an individual despite the circumstances is not a crime. Molestation does not involve consent, rape does not involve consent (except statutory, but thats a whole nother story), robbery doesn’t involve consent and neither does murder (although mercy killings is a topic of debate as well). Cheating does involve consent. It is wrong, and both parties should be held accountable, but I personally think the married party deserves more accountability ESPECIALLY if the married party is the one that came on to the other person!

    Imma give you two examples of situations where accountability does not necessarily have to be equally distributed among both parties.

    1) If my wife and I are having problems and we emotionally abuse each other all the time and haven’t had sex in 3 months. I discover that she decided to sleep with the young man she met at a convention downtown (who’s single btw). Why the hell would he deserve equal blame for her infidelity?! I can honestly say that I would not have any malice towards him, he doesn’t know me, and either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that she’s married. He’s just being the opportunist that most single men are. I have no qualms with him. My wife’s hot, she came on to him, he obliged. All consent. I’m extremely hurt, but how much does he really have to do with my hurt? It’s not him that sabotaged my marriage, he’s just living his life. So is she, except that she’s in a legal contract with me….Does he deserve as much blame as she does?

    2) I meet a good looking girl, we hit it off and really get the hots for each other but live in different cities. I rarely get the opportunity to go to her house due to many constraints mainly time and money, but one day I get some time and I make it to her city. I get to her house and realize she has a kid…Interesting (and annoying) but I play it cool since I’m not trying to be with her long term so this little omission doesn’t mean anything to me. We’ve pretty much established that this is gonna be all about sex. She assures me that he’ll be sleep soon so I shouldn’t worry. I wait it out and assume she has another room available for the kid, but it turns out there isn’t. The kid goes to sleep, but I’m a lil uneasy because he’s sleep in the room we’re in. All of a sudden panties are droppin and hormones are raging. In the back of my mind I feel a lil guilty that we’re gonna do it with the kid in the room but I’m not bout to turn it down at this point if she’s cool wit it. (Did I mention she’s fine as hell! lol) I just assume she does this a lot and that he won’t wake up. We get busy and just as I’m really gettin in the groove he wakes up crying and seems traumatize by what I’m doin to his mother….Am I to blame just as much as her, or does most of the accountability/responsibility fall in her lap? After all we’re at her house, she made the move, the kid is hers, and I was willing to leave…I didn’t force ne thing on her. How does the accountability scale measure up here?

  25. @ Camron Zoe – there should be some accountability for willful wrongdoing. i think anyone would be hardpressed to argue that sexing a still “validly married” man isn’t wrong .

    our reigning legal system has decided that if you knew some ish was wrong and were there and did nothing (neglect), or assisted in the wrongdoing (accessory) you are at fault.

    As much as I can agree that sexing a married man is wrong morally I do not believe that it is wrong legally. It is not in any state a criminal offense to sleep with a married man. Even in civil court it is not valid to sue someone because you got your feelings hurt. Usually to get damages for emotional distress there must be some physical manifestation of said distress thus some valid harm done. Unless the wife/kids is/are losing weight, hair, and mental capacity there is no legal foothold for her to sue.
    Should a woman do jail time and/or have a criminal record for screwing a married man?
    To me suing the mistress is as extreme as the state prosecuting her for assault and/or battery. Theoretically speaking they could argue that the mistress threatened the wife and acted with gross negligence knowing that the emotional/physical stability of the wife would be endangered by making advances at/seducing her husband and then further argue that the mistress committed battery by causing said emotional and physical distress (ie: the wife became extremely ill or was hospitalized because of emotional distress or there was a physical manifestation caused by the emotional distress). Its a streach, but it makes about as much sense to me as suing a mistress for a husband breaking his vows.

    The law wont allow you to marry more than one woman but it is perfectly legal for you to marry one and screw her and a million others.

    For example:

    If I enter into a contract with my landlord to pay $1,000/mo. in rent on the first of the month and then allow a friend to coerce me into blowing all of my rent money on the 31st can my landlord then sue my friend for facilitating my breech of contract? No. A wife should not be allowed to sue a mistress for her husbands breech of contract.

    Now the wife can feel all types of free to sue a woman who is making attacks on her person in civil court. The wife can sue the chick for trying to inflict daamage on her but the wife couldnt sue if the woman was just an ordinary hoe.

  26. @CamronZoe

    “our reigning legal system has decided that if you knew some ish was wrong and were there and did nothing (neglect), or assisted in the wrongdoing (accessory) you are at fault.”

    Our legal system has also decided that infidelity is not a criminal offense (for a reason).

    For the record I’m not arguing that being the other girl or guy is not wrong, but it’s less of your problem than it is the cheater’s problem. Also you’re assuming that the other party knows…What if they don’t?

    I won’t even talk about how I feel about accessory laws. I understand why they’re there because so many people would just try to avoid accountability if they didn’t exist and the truth would be so impossible to discover, so I get why they punish everybody involved, but in an ideal world (which is what we often talk about on this blog) I wouldn’t punish a person that witnessed a crime and did nothing. (cue DMX, nosy people get it too) I wouldn’t punish a getaway driver that drove the car out of fear for his life. I see groups of kids and how some kids get dragged into shit they aren’t really a part of. Hell one of my sister’s childhood friends went to juvy for being asleep in a car that went on to rob a store during his slumber. It’s not always such an easy black/white issue, but i realize this type of application of the law would be impossible to prosecute so I understand the law and think it’s about the best we can do…for now.

  27. “If I enter into a contract with my landlord to pay $1,000/mo. in rent on the first of the month and then allow a friend to coerce me into blowing all of my rent money on the 31st can my landlord then sue my friend for facilitating my breech of contract? No.”

    Exactly! Great example. Going along with that, should the friend be held accountable for your irresponsible spending? My friends try to convince me to do all kinds of crazy things with my money, even after I logically explain to them what I need to do with that money. They eventually chill and let life happen as it will. They’d never force me to do anything illogical, but they would very much encourage it if it’s fun. That’s just how friends behave at times. Doesn’t mean they’re responsible though, at the end of the day the decision to do it or not is on you. You’re the one that’ll owe the landlord not them.

    Now if they stole your money. That’s a different story. Again free will and consent are the prevailing concepts in this whole discussion. Good example SickandTired

  28. @ Norris1906 – ” All of a sudden panties are droppin and hormones are raging. In the back of my mind I feel a lil guilty that we’re gonna do it with the kid in the room but I’m not bout to turn it down at this point if she’s cool wit it. (Did I mention she’s fine as hell! lol) I just assume she does this a lot and that he won’t wake up. We get busy and just as I’m really gettin in the groove he wakes up crying and seems traumatize by what I’m doin to his mother….Am I to blame just as much as her, or does most of the accountability/responsibility fall in her lap? ”

    um.. you’re equally responsible for that one dude. that’s just dead wrong all the way around. because you CAN do do something DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

    i agree that the husband/wife should bear the brunt of the responsibility. the mistress or mister (is that the right word?) should bear some, as well. not an equal amount because they did not take the vows.

    but that kid scenario? both of ya’ll are dead wrong. dead effing wrong. kid was a bad example. any adult present is responsible for the welfare of a child.

    if the other party is not aware of the marriage, then there should be no case.
    @ SickandTired – rolling around the landlord scenario. good example.

  29. @ CamronZoe – Lean over lil cutie so I can spank that ass real fast!

    eve didn’t agree not to eat the fruit. adam did. but they both got kicked out of the garden all the same.

    Cain didn’t pull the trigger, but he was an accessory to O-Dog’s crime simply by being there, getting in the car afterward, and never turning him in. there’s not even a contract, verbal or otherwise, on that one.

    The first two are stories irrelevant to this conversation.

    there should be some accountability for willful wrongdoing. i think anyone would be hardpressed to argue that sexing a still “validly married” man isn’t wrong .

    our reigning legal system has decided that if you knew some ish was wrong and were there and did nothing (neglect), or assisted in the wrongdoing (accessory) you are at fault.Being wrong and doing something illegal isn’t the same thing..

    There was a case some years back where a young white guy basically kidnapped raped and molested a young black girl in Vegas I believe.

    Right before the attack his friend found him in a bathroom stall with young girl on his lap and his hand over her mouth. The friend left and didn’t report it – as I pointed out the girl was found raped and dead later.

    The friend wasn’t charged with anything – because he hadn’t done anything wrong legally speaking. There wasn’t a law on the books that could charge him with anything.

    The guy suffered no repercussions.

    Point being we can all agree something is wrong – whether or not it’s illegal is something else entirely. Well…in North Carolina cheating on a married man… is…

  30. @ Rashaad – “The first two are stories irrelevant to this conversation.”

    no. they are examples of other instances when the person who didn’t make a promise or wasn’t the “actor” was also held accountable for someone else’s promises and actions. it’s establishing the precedent for the train of thought, just as @ SickandTired – did when she discussed the friend who convinces another to blow the rent or I did in the initial post when I mentioned the insider.

    “Being wrong and doing something illegal isn’t the same thing..”

    agreed. however, in the case we are discussing, it’s a law on the books in NC and six other states, ie the particular act of wrongdoing we are discussing is illegal.

  31. no. they are examples of other instances when the person who didn’t make a promise or wasn’t the “actor” was also held accountable for someone else’s promises and actions.

    My point is they are both fictional stories – so pointless in discussing real life events.

    I wrote that in North Carolina it was an illegal act by the books – but pointed out we don’t always hold another party responsible for someone else’s bad acts.

    It’s not another woman’s responsibility to make sure a man stays faithful to his wife. My man gets caught cheating I’m not stressing the chick unless it was someone I knew well ’cause then it is a betrayal on everyone’s pat.

    But some random woman? She has no responsibility to me.My issue is with the man who made the vows.

  32. @CamronZoe

    I just thought about both of your previous arguments and yeah I get your point:
    1. Although Eve didnt “agree” not to eat the forbidden fruit the actual agreement on her part was unnecessary because the agreement was made between Adam and God with Adam as a representative of man kind. Eve was thus equally beholden to avoid the forbidden fruit because she knew it was against God’s laws (that were applicapable to her as well as adam and all dwellers of the garden). She actively violated a rule/law that was applicapable to her whereas with a mistress there is no law that states she must not have sex with a married man and there is no law that dictates she “honor” his wife or his vows.

    2. Cain was an accessory to ODogs crime only by the misguided and inaccurate “justice” system that would deem him guilty for being present. If Cain were rich and white he wouldnt be considered an accessory. As Cain in the situation was actually an innocent by stander (as evidenced by the survailance tape) with a good lawer he would not be convicted as an accessory to the robery/murder (didnt Cain pay for his 40 before ODog started busting?). In this situation Cain is not an accessory (and him being found such would be a miscarriage of justice thus an inaccurate example to use as a comparison) as he was not responsible for ODogs actions did not aid in them and also was not responsible for the results thereof. Also had ODogs actions been legal then Cain couldn’t be considered an accessory. Seeing as how (even in the backassward states where this law exists) it is not illegal for a Man to cheat it is equally impossible for a woman to be an accessory or in any way responsible for not preventing him from breaking his vows.
    Furthermore even if Cain were guilty as an accessory for not turning ODog the situation provides no ginuine comparison to the mistress because she isnt responsible for not turning the man in or reporting their affair she’s being held responsible for doing him in the first place.
    Lastly,
    Was Cain responsible for ODogs actions (not legally just in the average persons opinion)? No, because he didnt force ODog to commit those crimes. Thats the same as the mistress who didnt force a man to have sex with her.

  33. Jumping on J.Alden’s Back for a second – This gets so dicey… What defines cheating.. I know the easy answer is sexual intercourse, but lets take that out for a sec (if ya’ll can) because I feel marriage isnt just about sex (or way more than sex), moreso than its about commitment and stability.

    I’m sure half, if not more of the women here would say emotional cheating is the same as cheating right (basically everything but sex).. So now its ok to sue people for having conversations.. this is a very slippery slope… What about just spending time, dinner, movies, emotional support (all the things that make up a relationship besides sex)… The burden of liability to me falls completely on the shoulders of those (two) in the binding agreement. When you enter that agreement, your agreeing to defending your relationship as well.. its not up to the public to do that for you.

    I’m just (so) tired of people looking to the government to recify something it has no business in.. If a marriage between two people didnt work, why a 3rd party is even being considered is beyond me.. If thats the case I know a lot of landlords, cell phone companies, car insures, etc who need to be suing the heck out of strip clubs, porn shops, and escort services… You can’t cite a 3rd party for what a primary party does… unless force is used, there is no crime.

    @ Rashaad – you don’t come on someone sight and disrespect them. Be gone with that ish!

    @camronzoe – LeeWard summed up your thoats exactly. I got your point when you made it..Good Job Ma!

  34. Also, one thing to keep in mind is that when these cases are presented in the media, they are sensationalized a bit to make a better story. Really important details are left out. On the surface, they seem ridiculous. Remember when the old lady sued mc donalds when she spilled coffee? Yeah that case was ridiculed for being stupid and senseless because of the way it was presented in the media. When you find out that the mc donalds had received several complaints, others had been burned, the coffee was far hotter than protocol, and the woman needed surgeries to fix a lot of the damages to her “area”, it makes more sense.

    So, I’m giving the wife the benefit of the doubt here that she had some pretty damn good evidence stacked up to be able to get such a large award.

    And yes, her husband could have said no. People could not drive while texting or not throw rocks at windows, but people do ish, all the time, that causes other people damage or harm. And in a lot of cases where somebody else colludes in that, they are accountable.

    I’m just not seeing the criminal/illegal part of it

    It is not a CRIMINAL case

    It is a CIVIL case. People get laws mixed up and think if there’s a law against it, it’s illegal (people tend to overuse the word “illegal”), well there are criminal laws and civil laws. This is not a crime, it’s just a cause for legal action.

    This isn’t about a crime, this is about somebody causing you harm, and suing them for the harm they caused.

  35. Dang, who knew, ya’ll be on this joint trying to argue your point to the extreme.

    Again, it goes back to my opening statement of the whole concept being a slippery slope…

    If your saying the mistress is at fault for breaking the marriage because she had sex with a willing and consenting member also introduces grounds that maybe redtube.com should be sued for causing/allowing men to have cyber sex and lose interest in their wives thus creating grounds for divorce (like whats happening in japan), or maybe the phone carriers and sex talk operators should be sued because a man ran up 3k worth phone sex charges thus causing the family to miss the mortgage payment and lose the house, thus creating grounds for divorce, what about sueing the city of vegas for providing casinos, free booze and creating an environment for sexual prosmicuity, or internet gambling sites where many men lose dough/houses and wives end up crying and on the street… You wouldn’t/can’t cite any of those parties in the same actions which caused the same results but because its a person, it gets personal and I undertand that. But if there is no law the makes it a crime, so I can’t see the point/basis of bringing suit.

    If 2 parties enter into an agreement, unless the actions of the 3rd party were by force causing a primary party to act in gross neglegence, then the liability falls on the party that directly breached the contract. Who/what caused that action is really not relevant if the primary actor knowingly and willing consented to engaging the 3rd party. Best i may think to do is to add a ignorant/heaux fine, but that again is a slippery slope…

  36. “I’m not saying the mistress is at fault for just being involved. She pursued the man. ”

    I’m saying that she can only “pursue” dude as much as he lets her. If he wanted to immediately stop it, he (or even the wife) would have a restaining order out. So if dude didnt put his put down or stop it, then he an acting party and is the one liable, the mistres is merely the conduit, which is basically makes it an affair.

  37. @Catrell

    Ok you’re really pushing it. She can only pursue the man as much as he lets her? WTF is she a puppet? She pursued the man of her own free will, with her own mind and her own body. This is an adult we’re talking about. Last time I checked EVERYONE should be held responsible for their own actions. By your logic the husband can say “well, no one told the woman to keep emailing me and calling my phone.” Her pursuing the husband requires action on HER part, not his.

    Also, you can’t just get a restraining order against someone. You can get a temporary restraining order, but (if I remember correctly) to get a permanent restraining order, you have to press charges.

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