I HAVE THE MOTHER FREAKING SOLUTION FOR US SINGLE GIRLS (sarcasm)

Note: Please click the links in the article. 

Ok, back to business.

Are you:

Single?

A Black woman?

Over 15?

If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, then you’re likely desperate to get married.

College- educated?

Oh, you’re definitely desperate.

It doesn’t matter if you claim to have a boyfriend, a fiancé, you’re a lesbian, don’t want to get married or even in high school. You’re still single and worse, lonely, and worse still, unlikely to marry.  This is, of course, is based solely on the thoughts in my all-knowing head—not on like actual studies that say otherwise. I know all women—and girls too— want to be married not like right now, but like yesterday. It’s urgent like a motherf***er. I saw that ABC special where that one thirty-something woman said she cries into her pillow at night because she’s not married and I know that applies to every single Black woman—or girl—alive.

How do I know?

Because I think like a man.

So why aren’t you married yet? Because your standards are too damn high like rent in New York City. You have nerve to be employed, think for yourself and as desperately single as you are, the audacity to scoff at broken men, cheating men, weak men, men you have to support, down-low men, and even your last resort for marriage, bi-sexual men. You out here acting like being single is something to celebrate.

Girl, bye.

You’re miserable. And even worse, you got these good men with better things to do out here trying to work with you and dispense quality advice. These male relationship experts are trying to help difficult you “keep” somebody, and you ain’t been listening: Submit! Shut up! Cook! Clean! In heels! Every day!

F*** your bunions and your feminism too. Let a man lead you even if it’s into a damn hole. At least if you fall in and die, you would have a man—hopefully, your husband— by your side at your demise. Being Mrs. [it only counts if you take his last name] is all you should want to be remembered for anyway.

Unfortunately, it’s probably too late for all of you, especially if you’ve wasted prime husband-hunting years getting a diploma when you should have freed up your time to find a man by getting a GED.  All the hetero Black men alive and even not yet born have, are now or will be planning to marry White women.  And because in the history of mankind no desirable man of any other color has ever been really interested in a Black woman as a wife, you’re left only with one hope for marriage: women.

Yeah, I said it. Single Black women should marry each other.

Think of the benefits: you’ll be married!!! You’ll be married!!! You’ll be married!!!

This will work out well for lesbians because you know, all this time ya’ll have been settling for women because you couldn’t keep a man. But for the rest of you, it’s time to “turn” yourselves gay. It can’t be that hard since the millions-strong LGBT community just rolled over one morning when they hit puberty and decided to go against the grain. You can too!

Just go on and roll over.  Roll, dammit!

Now call your bestie, get on the plane and head to the nearest courthouse in one of the nine states where gay marriage is legal and jump that broom.

I know some of you are wondering, “but will I be happy with this arrangement?” Um… girl, you’re thinking small when you should be thinking big. Your happiness?  That doesn’t matter. You’re finally married! Black marriage solves everything.

“But what about Jesus,” you ask? God loves gays. (No sarcasm.)

Others of you may be wondering, “what about children?” Girl, stop. I read the comments sections on Black blogs and “listen” to Black men —the all knowing source of everything about Black women because of the woman they were raised by and those they’ve dated. You’re over 15, which means you probably have a few kids by now anyway. You and your new wife joining forces? It’ll be like The Brady Brunch. It’ll be fun!

If you so happen to be that one anomaly of a Black woman alive who doesn’t have an out-of-wedlock child? Just go buy one from Africa—white women do it all the time, and at least you’ll know how to do the kid’s hair.

You mad?

Of course, we are inherently more combative by birthright than other women (I watch TV so I know how we can be).  I’mma ask you to put down that bottle or phone you’re ‘bout to throw, and imagine what this could do for the statistics about single Black women. Like 99% of us who are of legal age to marry (ie, older than 15 in most places) could be married.

Boo, I’ve just singlehandedly solved the Black woman’s marriage crisis. You shouldn’t be fighting me; you should be awarding me the Nobel Peace Prize. However, a thank you will suffice.

9 responses to “I HAVE THE MOTHER FREAKING SOLUTION FOR US SINGLE GIRLS (sarcasm)

  1. Is this a joke. This is the most ignorant isht I’ve read in a while. You cannot possibly believe anything that brain of yours conjured up.. Are you married?

  2. Katannya

    Please follow the instructions at the top of the post and click the link there or any of the multiple links throughout the article. They are there for a reason. Also, before insulting others, it’s good form to know what you speak of. It helps to avoid being loud, rude, and additionally, wrong.

    Also, you’ve asked about my marital status. Is this an indication that YOU would like to marry me? If so, I’m very flattered, but also unavailable.

    Good luck in your search for a bride!!!

  3. CamronZoe,

    I totally feel you. Sadly as sarcastic and the essay is, there is an underlying truth. I say truth, because i can admit, i have felt that this way at times. Reading articles, watching videos, and my everyday personal life, say’s “vic, it just will never happen for you and you need to be comfortable with it or become gay”. No matter how smart i am, pretty I am, stylish, sexy, or charming I am, it will never be enough for a black man to commit to. Well unless, i take a proven cheater, liar, dead beat who would be with anything or anyone, because he needs mommy to help him out… because lets face it “i should be lucky to have a man”. I couldnt even laugh reading your essay, i just felt sad. Im 30 and unafraid to say ” I got it going on”!! And my standards are resonable. I just get frustrated. Sorry to go on, im just in my feelings. lol. Well done, girl. I think a lot of SBW can relate to the essay … sadly.

  4. I think the notion of thinking like a man for women is hilarious in regard to have anybody bothered to check out how some of these men think, quite a few of them can keep their train wreck thoughts to themselves a lot of their thoughts have brought quite a few destructions . No I’ll ride out continuing to think for myself hasn’t let me down yet, I do think Camron should just mail that off so others can just re-print it when its time for those weekly black women suck propaganda. I bet you some will actually take this humorous satire and think its serious like the Grapes of Wrath or Confucius lol.

  5. When i read this post I looked at it from two angles. (1) There is some truth to what she said; and (2)maybe women complain far too much about needing a man to validate them. I am Man (obviously), and there are women who claim to know how we think. For every Sacarsm there is a little truth in this blog. Its funny as hell, but if you are not reading between the lines (as the first post revealed) then you may be one of these people that she speak of. Love yourself first and HE will FIND YOU!I could be deepe; but I digress *inserts sarcasm 0_o

  6. I enjoyed this writing. Although I cannot directly relate (because I’m a guy), I totally got it. I do thoroughly enjoy sarcasm. Nice writing style.

    -To others who may read this article: Read thoroughly and then comprehend. Repeat steps as often as needed.

  7. All i can say is wow….the part that really got me is when u said just submit! Dont get me wrong, i feel ur point and u get points for saying it but you’d be surprised how many women say a ni**@ wit a job, house, car, no kids, single, straight, good looking, sexy, wit a plan isnt enuff for a woman to marry. For a minute i thot somethin was wrong wit that man i just described but then i realized u b!tches are just crazy!!! U dont know what u want. As always good read!

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